


Going Down

by Phoenix_Emrys



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, First Time, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 05:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 24,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2954123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Emrys/pseuds/Phoenix_Emrys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Daniel go head to head on the playing field in an alien arena.  One of them is going down!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally written as a response to a monthly challenge on Pepe's list from a loooong, long time ago. We were supposed to pick a story title from the issued list and this is the one I chose. The month during which the challenge was issued came and went, and the story languished on my hard drive, unfinished. That is until I dusted it off and whipped it into shape for Chance and the memorial zine I put together for her well over a year ago. I had her very much in mind while I was writing it. I hope I did her justice; pretty sure she would have gotten a kick out of it. I think this is my ultimate Jack and Daniel naked story, and not in the way one usually thinks of them being together in the altogether. Certainly what I do to Daniel, well, read it and find out. Heh. This story also contains what I personally feel is the funniest line I've ever written. Still cracks me up every time I see it. Anyone who wants to venture a guess which one, ask me and see if you're right! Oh yeah, and those of you who have seen the 'In Our Hearts' version, there is a new scene in this story, just after the gateroom scene. Enjoy!

Well, whaddaya know, Daniel is almost smiling.That must mean he’s wrapped things up with the Dodg and we can book out of here.Excellent!The game is in five hours, that leaves us plenty of time to –  

“Well, the treaty is signed,” Daniel announces and then heaves a huge sigh. 

“But…” 

But?Whaddaya mean, _but_?Don’t wanna hear no _buts_ , buts are generally not good and also usually mean I’m _not_ gonna get home in time to see my game! 

“But?”I snap, and Daniel flinches. 

Crap, I didn’t mean to sound so… but dammit, enough is _enough_ already! 

These negotiations have been dragging on for days during which and it’s possible I’ve been a tad…crusty, well, okay, a _lot_ , maybe, but I mean, this planet is so damned _vanilla_ , it’s not like there’s been much for the rest of us to do, other than Carter, that is, while Daniel has been sequestered with the Dodg and his council attempting to persuade them to trust us with their rocks.So okay, I’ll come clean, I’ve been bored outta my stinking skull with all the flowers, statues and artsy fartsy crap the Quaar have been subjecting the rest of us to while Daniel’s been wheeling and dealing, so consequently I _may_ have been riding the dear boy’s butt just a bit, to get _him_ to get _them_ to the finish line, and bless him, he’s finally gone and done it, so now I should be saying ‘good job’ or something else supportive instead of giving him even more of a hard time but… 

I don’t want any ‘buts’; I just want to get _our_ butts _out_ of here. 

“We can’t leave yet,” Daniel mutters, hanging his head. 

I do _not_ want to hear this! 

“Well, at least _I_ can’t go,” he quickly adds, before I can get a word out. 

What? 

“What?Whaddaya mean _you_ can’t go?” 

I’m not liking the sounds of this; as much as I’m hot to trot homeward now the job is apparently done there’s _no way_ I’m leaving anyone behind, especially Daniel.He’d better bottom-line this PDQ, because I’ve just about had it with the Quaar and their weird-ass customs and rituals, starting with no one but Daniel being allowed anywhere near the Dodg so we had to let him go in that room – alone – day after day, not having a clue what was going on in there until they let him out again hours and hours later.I don’t care if the treaty _has_ finally been signed, if this is more of their back-handed bullshit calculated to further separate me from my archaeologist; well, I’m about five seconds away from pulling the plug and getting all of us the hell out of here, they can shove their damned… 

Daniel glances wearily at me, heaving another unhappy sigh. 

“Jack, just…hear me out,” he pleads.“It’s okay, everything is fine, like I said, the treaty is signed, but – “ 

“No buts,” I interrupt.“You say it’s over, it’s signed, so we’re outta here, and that means you too.End of discussion.” 

Seems perfectly logical to me.As well as non-negotiable. 

“Jack, will you just let me _finish_!” Daniel angrily retorts, throwing his hands in the air.“The treaty is signed, yes, but it’s not _sealed,_ there’s a slight…formality, a condition needing to be met…before…” 

Daniel pauses, shoulders slumping, and throws me a weak smile. 

“Well, you know how they are.” 

Oookay, heeeeere we go.The catch.With these bozos, there’s always a catch.Ever since we got here, there’s been no such thing as point A to point B, it’s one step forward, three steps sideways, hurry up and wait, no you can’t do this before you do that, and guess what, you don’t get the fries unless you take the hot apple pie too. 

Well, not this time, bucko, I’ve had enough of their stupid crap! 

“In order to make it official, we have to observe a local custom,” Daniel continues. “Or at least, as the lead negotiator, I do. Apparently, in this society engaging in this…activity, well, that’s how they celebrate the successful conclusion of any sort of deal, or bargain, or well, anything, really, from the community level right up to matters of planet-wide import, which is where we fall in.So although the treaty is for all intents and purposes in the bag, as far as the Quaar are concerned it won’t be a done deal unless I do this.” 

“What?”I demand.“What do you have to do?” 

This better not be anything involving any sort of kinky sex ritual or Daniel having to get engaged to the Dodg’s daughter.She’s a nice kid and all, but ewwwww! 

I reiterate, I don’t care about the stakes, I don’t like the sounds of this, so too bad, so sad, adios amigos, we’ll get our rocks somewhere else. 

“Um… we have to play a game of Zot,” Daniel blurts.“That is – I do.” 

“What?”I blink.“A game?What are we talking here, Checkers, Chess, Snakes and Ladders? Scrabble? Twister?”I finish, ever hopeful. 

Twister could be fun. 

A game.Okay, that doesn’t sound so bad.And it shouldn’t take too long.Daniel’s pretty good at that sort of thing.All is not lost, Daniel whups their asses in an hour or so, honour is satisfied, everybody’s happy, we can take the treaty back to Hammond , hail the conquering heroes, tra la, once we get through the post-mission stuff I’ll still have plenty of time… 

Yeah, I can taste that nice cold brewski now. 

“No…not quite,” Daniel smiles faintly.“Zot.It’s their national sport, and it’s pretty popular.As a matter of fact, you could probably relate to the level of fanaticism the Quaar have for it.” 

What, what did he just say? 

“Sport?” 

Ah, Danny, now you’re speaking _my_ language!Finally, something about this place is starting to sound interesting! 

“Yeah,” Daniel happily nods, encouraged, no doubt my sudden spurt of enthusiasm.“As near as I can figure, it’s somewhat like football.” 

Oh yeah! Now we’re _talking!_ I may have seriously misjudged these people.Any race nutso about football can’t be all bad.I’m starting to warm up to the Quaar considerably. 

“They want us to play football?” I fire back at him.“That’s all we have to do, punt a few with the local boys and we get everything we want?” 

“That’s it,” Daniel nods enthusiastically again, so relieved I’m no longer giving him a hard time about this he’s practically hopping with glee. 

“Win or lose?” 

Not that we will.Lose that is. I mean, we’re talking _football_ here.Teal’c is a total animal, Carter’s not far behind and I’m not exactly a slouch myself.Daniel’s the only weak link, he doesn’t quite have the killer instinct, although I have tried; the boy’s a hair on the squeamish side when it comes to the really rough stuff, but I’ll watch his six.He’ll be fine. 

We’ll murdalize ‘em. 

“Hey, I’m in!” I beam at Daniel and my other kids.“Football sounds fine, Daniel, tell them to bring it on. SG-1 would be pleased to mix it up on the Zot field for the good of the Earth and the SGC.” 

“Can’t wait, Sir,” Carter chimes in with a huge grin. 

“Um, about that…” 

Daniel’s frowning.Oh dear.Another not-good sign.And we were doing so well.Call me crazy but I’m hearing another ‘but’ here. 

“Sam, I’m sorry, but…” Daniel begins, flushing unhappily. 

Yep. 

“Aw Daniel, don’t tell me it’s one of those stupid, macho male-only things,” she grumbles, her face starting to seize up with the beginning of a pout I’m guessing will be about the size of Pluto once it’s done. 

Tough break, Carter, hard as it is to believe, once in a blue moon it does suck to be you. 

“I’m sorry, Sam, but yeah,” Daniel shrugs.“No….um…women allowed.” 

“Nuts!” She fumes, crossing her arms and glowering at all of us.“This is so not fair!” 

“Sorry, Carter,” I commiserate, patting her on the shoulder.“Their rules, not ours. It looks like you’re sitting this one out. You know what Daniel always says, when in Rome …” 

Both Carter and Daniel shoot me the evil eye, so I shut up. 

What?I’m agreeing with him for once, you think that would make him happy!There is just no pleasing this boy! 

Well, damn, this is a bit of a blow.Losing Carter, that is.She really can kick ass on the football field and honestly, if I had to choose which one to cut I’d have sidelined Daniel before Carter.Sure, Daniel is prettier, but Carter is meaner. 

What did I just say? 

“So, Carter is out,” I carry on, after shaking my head to clear whatever the hell is in it making me say that…out.“That just leaves the three of us but I think you, me and the big guy here can more than manage to carry the honour of the SGC.What? Why are you looking at me like that? “ 

Why is he looking at me like that? 

“Um…” Daniel says again, biting his lower lip. 

“What?”I snap at him.From the look on his face he’s winding up to deliver someone else a low blow, and for the life of me I can’t think why.We’re all guys here, what’s the problem?Oh, maybe it’s Teal’c.The Quaar probably have some sort of anti-Jaffa taboo meaning he’s not gonna be allowed to play either. 

Well, crap, that’s gonna suck, if we don’t have Teal’c, then that just leaves… 

“As I said before, I’m the only one who absolutely _has_ to do this, because I represented Earth in the negotiations, so my participation is mandatory,” Daniel explains, unhappiness coming off of him in waves.No wonder, after having had to stomp on Carter’s parade I’m guessing he’s not looking forward to hurting Teal’c’s feelings too.It’s okay, Daniel, Teal’c can take it, it’s not like this is the first time we’ve encountered cultures having issues with Jaffa .I’m thinking the big guy is kinda used to the ‘No Jaffa Allowed’…thing. 

No Teal’c either.Damn. That just leaves Daniel and me.Not so good, not so good as me, Carter and Teal’c, but, maybe it’ll be okay, I’ll give the kid a pep talk, get his blood going, we’ll turn him into an animal yet. 

Yeah, it’ll be fine. 

“In addition, Teal’c, although you are free to decline, the Quaar would welcome your participation as well,” Daniel continues, without looking at me. 

What?What did he just say? The Quaar aren’t cutting Teal’c?Teal’c is in? 

“I would be honoured, DanielJackson,” Teal’c exclaims, with a deep bow of his head. 

Teal’c is in?But someone is definitely still out.If it’s not Teal’c, and it’s not Daniel, that means the cut-ee has to be… 

No way! 

“Thanks, Teal’c,” Daniel grins, barely able to hide his relief.“I really wasn’t looking forward to doing this by myself.” 

Hey!What am I – chopped chickenshit? 

“Excuse me!”I jab Daniel’s shoulder to make him look at me. “Football playing colonel in the room here!” 

“Um…” Daniel’s eyes slide my way, and they have a distinctly hunted look. 

Oh, for crying out loud what _possible_ objection could the Quaar have against _me_ playing their stupid stinking game? 

“The Dodg wanted me to convey to you, with extreme respect for you as our leader, the Quaar recognize you will probably be unable to participate, due to your…” 

Daniel pauses, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes before ploughing on. 

“….seniority.” 

“What?”I stare at him, not getting it.“What does _that_ mean; I don’t have to play because I’m a colonel?” 

Daniel’s still looking mighty unhappy, so that can’t be it. 

“O’Neill, I believe the Quaar are suggesting you are too old,” Teal’c helpfully supplies. 

Daniel’s gaze quickly darts away. 

Yeah, that’s the one. 

“Hey!Who’s _old?”_ I protest.Loudly.“And if you wanna talk old – he’s _way_ older than me,” I jab my thumb back in Teal’c’s direction.“Howcum _he_ gets to play?” 

“Amongst my people I am considered mid-aged,” Teal’c intones smugly.Yeah, with that stone face, I know it’s hard to tell, but trust me, I know Jaffa smug when I see it, and right now the big guy is enjoying this entirely too much. 

He’s not the only one. 

“Oh, excuse me, I forgot we’re talking Jaffa years,” I glare at him. 

“Jack, he’s not a dog!” Daniel admonishes me, scandalized. 

“I know that!” I fire right back at him.“Just because his hundred-somethingcounts for less than half of my – “ 

Behind me, Carter snickers.I make like I’m ignoring her, but believe me, I forget nothing. 

“I might not have a snake but I’m not exactly over the hill!” 

“Their rules, Sir,” Carter says with a huge, fake sigh.“And like you reminded me earlier, as Daniel is always saying, when in – “ 

“Shut up, Carter,” I growl at her. 

Laugh it up, Major, your turn is coming.When you least expect it, expect it.I _will_ have my revenge. And as for the other two, well, I’m not going down without a fight. 

“So Daniel, let me get this straight,” I round on the main object of my ire, who right now is looking like he’d rather have a train run him over than face me. 

Frankly I’m about two seconds away from finding one for him. 

“Did the Dodg say I _couldn’t_ play, or just I didn’t _have_ to on account of my alleged decrepitude?” 

“He said you were excused, but....” Daniel mumbles, staring down at his boots. 

Finally, a ‘but’.And this one had butter, I mean better be good. 

“But?”I demand. 

“He said he realized as our leader you would naturally see it as your duty to um…lead… but he didn’t think it would be a very good idea given your obvious…age… 

And what the hell is _that_ supposed to mean?Obvious?It’s _obvious_ I’m _old_?Excuse me, having a bit of snow on the roof doesn’t mean I’m past it – or anywhere even near, and fifty is _not_ old! 

Obvious?I’ll show them freaking ‘obvious’, I’ll – I’ll - 

“And your expressed infirmities…” Daniel finishes with a small grimace. 

Oh.He’s talking about me running my mouth about my knees the other morning for the whole crappy council to hear.Well, that’s just _great!_

Damn, hoist on my own big mouth, that’ll learn me to bitch in front of the natives.My knees aren’t _really,_ well, maybe a little bit, but not nearly as much as I was letting on; all right, I _may_ have been laying it on a _bit_ thick yesterday, and the day before, and possibly at the state dinner the day before that, but it was strictly tactical, calculated bitching purely in the interests of motivating Daniel to step things up and get us the heck out of Dodg – I mean Dodge. 

Well, what do you know, my own guilt ploy has come around to bite me on the ass. 

“Zot is a very physically demanding sport,” Daniel is continuing.“The players are considered to be the best athletes on the planet.The Dodg was concerned for your safety.He has no wish to see you hurt.” 

Hey, me neither.But still… _Infirmities_?That hurts! 

Crap, crap and crap, this changes everything, even if I didn’t want to, which of course I do, I _have_ to play _now._ I can’t have these guys, or my kids thinking I’m such a feeb they’ll have to push me around in a wheelchair from now on! 

I glare at Daniel, and he flushes and drops his eyes again. 

“The Dodg doesn’t have any problems with _you_ mixing it up with the big boys.” I grump at him. 

“Apparently not,” Daniel shrugs. 

I can’t help but notice he refrains from pointing out the obvious.Good boy. 

“Well Sir, he _is_ younger.A _lot_ younger.And in excellent physical condition.” 

However, it would seem some _other_ people aren’t governed by a similar spirit of restraint. 

“Thank you, Carter,” I snarl at her. 

She throws a nasty grin right back at me. 

“Well, he is, Sir,” she adds, unnecessarily.“As we, and it would seem the Dodg, can plainly see.Obviously.” 

It’s equally obvious to me some people don’t know when to shut up. 

Daniel is looking distinctly embarrassed at being discussed, on top of his previously regretted role of being the bearer of crap tidings. 

Well, that’s too damned bad; we’re not done yet. 

“So what’s the deal here, then, Daniel, am I in or out?” 

Daniel sighs.“Honestly, the Dodg would prefer you to sit this one out, but…” 

Ah, here we go again. 

“But?” 

“The choice is yours Jack.The Dodg believes it would not be wise for you to participate, but again, out of respect for you as our leader, and realizing you, being you, you’ll insist on playing, even if it’s a really _stupid_ thing to do…” 

At this point I find myself wondering how the Dodg of all people would know what I would and wouldn’t want to do; it’s not like we’ve done much bonding or talking, even, he’s pretty much only ever deigned to shoot the breeze with Daniel, but we’ll leave that for another time.Right now I’ve got to get a straight answer out of Doctor Equivocator here. 

“Bottom line it for me, will you Daniel, before I get any older.” 

“You can play if you want to, the Dodg won’t stop you, however, should you choose…to, he wants it clearly understood the Quaar accept no responsibility for the consequences.” 

“So, I can play!”I beam at him. 

“Yes,” Daniel murmurs, you can, but – “ 

“Now what?” I demand. 

“Jack, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but maybe you should…maybe you should re-think this, a bit.Possibly.” 

“Why?” 

I’ve…um…met a few of the players,” Daniel admits, grimacing.“Teal’c will be able to hold his own, no problem, me…well, I’m feeling…I’ll probably be okay, or,” he breaks off and hangs his head, “Or...not… but that’s neither here nor there, I can’t _not_ do it so if I end up with some bumps and bruises, well, that’s the way it goes, I’ll bounce back, but Jack, I really think, maybe, you should consider…” 

He doesn’t want to say it, but he’s thinking it. 

Crap, look at them, they _all_ are. 

They don’t think I can cut it! 

Sunofabitch! This consideration for my decrepitude didn’t just come from the Dodg, Daniel really thinks I’m gonna get hurt out there, he’s behind me sitting it out as well.He doesn’t want me to play because he thinks… 

God fricking _dammit_ I might have a few years on you boy but the day I can’t run rings around you on a football field – 

Might happen someday, sure, but today, is _not_ the day.So can your concern, the whole frigging lot of you, traitors!The Colonel is not exactly ready for his walker yet!And no better time than the present for proving I’m still da _man_. 

“You tell the Dodg I’m in,” I inform the lot of them, daring any one of them, but most especially Daniel, to say another damned word about it. 

Daniel hangs his head again, his shoulders sagging in defeat. 

“Okay,” he says in an‘Oh God this is such a bad idea’ tone of voice.

“It’s your funeral, Sir,” Carter chortles. 

“Fear not, O’Neill, I will protect you,” Teal’c generously offers. 

I hate them all.‘Infirmity’, my earlobe, I’ll show them ‘infirm’. 

Oh ye of little faith.Go ahead, have your petty little moment, enjoy yourselves, you’ll be laughing out of the other side of your asses; just you wait. 

And speaking of asses, they can all _kiss_ mine while they’re at it.Especially Daniel! 

Ummm… 

Never mind that, never mind that, the Zot boys are going down, and so, my so-called ‘friends’ are you.

* * *

“Well Daniel, I’m guessing you didn’t ‘figure’ on any of _this_.”

“Um…” The man behind me ventures.“No, I – um – that is…they didn’t happen to mention…”

“Kind of an important detail to leave out, don’t you think?”I snarl over my shoulder at him, and then as quickly turn back…because…

Crap. 

“Well, this sort of…”‘Just-can’t-leave-it-alone’ boy continues.“It’s not…unprecedented.On Earth, in Ancient Greece, as I’m sure you’re aware, the original Olympic games; all of the athletes participated – “ 

“Don’t say it!”I warn him.“The ‘ancient’ part aside, which I am _not_ , despite recent expressed opinions to the contrary, need I remind you we are _not_ on Earth and _none_ of us are Greek – including any of these guys!” 

“No, we’re not,” Daniel chortles, “But apparently we’re still – “ 

“Daniel!Do not make me hurt you!” 

“Sorry,” Daniel mutters.“I’m sorry I didn’t get all the details, beforehand, but like you say I’m always saying – “ 

“Daniel, if you want to live to see tomorrow, never mind the next ten minutes do _not_ mention Rome to me.” 

“About that,” Daniel abruptly switches tracks.“Where the _heck_ did you come up with that anyway, I do not always say that – I’ve _never_ said that!” 

I do not believe what I’m hearing.Only Daniel could fixate on something so trivial in the face of all _this_ going on around us, and God only knows what else about to happen _to_ us! 

God, I wish I wuz dead. 

I’m thinking Carter is gonna be mighty glad she got to sit this one out after all.She’s probably in the nice comfy box seats with the Dodg and his buddies, having a cold one or several, with absolutely _no_ idea she’s gonna get _way_ more of a show than she bargained for.Hell, way more than _any_ of us counted on. 

Me and my big fat ego, if I’d kept my mouth shut I coulda been up there with her as well, in the clear. 

A whole lot more…less…the way I am now.Instead of here. 

Yep, that could have been me, Colonel Safe and Sidelined and definitely not…flappin’ in the breeze, but oh no, I had to be _da man_ , prove I could hold my own with the big boys. 

I had no idea just how _big_ they really were.Or, how…big… 

What the hell have I gotten myself into? 

Right now I’m doing my best to not stare at the naked back in front of me, but it’s not easy, the way we’re packed in here, there’s really not much else to look at and the back in question, ye gods, acres of bare skin and solid bone and muscles going on for days, this guy is built like…well, he’s built, let’s leave it at that.I swear to God, he makes Teal’c look petite.And there’s a hell of a lot more of where he came from on display, a whole line of two-legged tanks ahead of me, hulking and…hanging, waiting for what I’m not exactly sure, but whatever it is, we’re all standing here in the weirdest locker room I’ve ever seen waiting for it. 

Completely starkers. 

Oh yeah, did I mention we’re naked?All those guys ahead of me – and the two members of my team behind me? 

Goes without saying, me too? 

Oy vey. 

Oh my God, the testosterone level in the room alone is enough to give a guy the bends.Not to mention a serious case of…insecurity. 

Sure, I work out.Gotta keep fit, the sort of work we do, and Lord knows it seems like we’re running for our lives every other day so it’s not like I don’t get my fair share of exercise.So, that is to say, I’m not exactly out of shape or anything, hell, before this I thought I was in pretty _good_ shape, but now, wedged between two dozen guys who look more pumped than Arnold’s steroids on steroids not to mention my own pretty damned buff team mates, neither of which I can look in the eye at the moment… 

I’m feeling old.Not to mention distinctly…saggy.And completely unprepared for the horrifying prospect of having to run my flabby old ass all over the playing field with my rear flank, and everything else - completely exposed. 

Oh God could this day get any worse? 

“Omigawd, Sam!” From behind me, Daniel gasps.“She’s gonna – we’re gonna be – she’s gonna - _omigawd_!” 

“Finally worked that out, didya?” I shoot over my shoulder, without looking back.“In the interests of salvaging what little is gonna be left of our collective dignities, we could always kill her afterwards.” 

“I’m thinking it would be best if you kill me now.” 

Believe me, I’m considering it. 

“You’re not getting off that easy,” I snarl at him. 

Daniel starts to make noises like he’s choking on something but before I have a chance to turn around and investigate the guy a couple of guys in front of me is ushered into a cubicle, looks like a shower stall.What the heck is this we’re taking a shower _before_ the game? 

Well, that’s odd.But, I guess, when you consider what we’re doing, and where, odd, what does that mean, exactly?I mean, look at what we do practically every day, as a matter of course, the whole going through the ole oriface thing, just to get to work, if you wanna talk ‘odd’, I guess to the average Joe, Earthside, I’m sure that would seem damned peculiar, while to us it’s no biggie, practically routine, just the SGC version of the morning commute. 

So, what the hell is odd?I don’t even know any more. 

Oh, we’re moving again.Another guy has stepped into the booth.I haven’t seen anyone come out, so presumably the exit must be on the other side.Where we can’t see it.Well, that is, if there is one, and everyone who goes in, does indeed come out again. 

We live in hope. 

“Daniel, what the hell is this booth thing all about?” 

Well, there’s no harm in asking.Not that it’s done me a whole lot of good so far. 

“I – I have no idea,” the man behind me admits. 

“Just like you didn’t know we had to be naked?” 

“Nope.” 

“Do you know _anything_?” 

Okay, you got me; I’m getting slightly snarky again.Bite me; I’ve had just about as many surprises today as I can stand.And I have a horrible feeling the day is far from over. 

“Well, you know,” Daniel begins in his ‘I’m just going to ignore the attitude’ voice I’ve become all too familiar with over the years.“How in football, the object of the game is to get the…thingee…across the finish line?” 

“That would be the football, through the goal post, and yeah?” 

Oh no, now what? 

“Whatever.Apparently in Zot, while getting across the….goal line is definitely the object of the game, there is no actual ball involved.Actually.” 

I know I’m gonna hate myself for asking this…but… 

“So, if it’s not a ball, what is it we _are_ trying to get across?While the other team is, I’m presuming, doing its best to stop us from doing so?” 

“That would be the Zarder,” Daniel gives up with a small sigh. 

“Which is?” 

“Not a which or a what, a who.A person,” Daniel says brightly.“Usually the fastest runner on the team, and the most agile, being as how they have to elude the members of the opposing team doing their best to stop him. Of course.” 

“Of course.” 

Poor bastards. Whoever these schmucks are, they can’t have a very long life expectancy.Must be some kind of punishment, or something, maybe it’s this world’s version of the death penalty, they don’t hang ‘em, gas ‘em or inject ‘em, they send them out naked and give a bunch of bruisers license to mash them into the Astroturf.Repeatedly.Trust me, from what I’ve seen, having a few of these guys land on you, several times, yeah, that would do it, all right.Game over. Ye gods, I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes for anything! 

“Usually, it’s the fastest runner, but not always,” Daniel quietly continues. “There are other…criteria governing the appointment, especially in special circumstances, such as a match like this one.Being chosen as the Zarder, it’s considered the highest honour the Quaar can bestow upon an individual in this society.” 

What?What did he just say?And why am I suddenly getting this very, very bad feeling? 

“Daniel, how is it you know _this_ , and yet, the little teeny tiny _naked_ detail…how did _that_ one manage to slip by you?” 

“Um…” is all I get back. 

Yanno, it never ceases to amaze me how this guy can go on for _decades_ about stuff I don’t give a crap about; when he’s giving forth with the tedious minutiae he’s a virtual verbal frigging _fount_ of babbeldom; but when it comes down to something I really _do_ want to know about, and _he_ doesn’t want to _give_ , these bouts of convenient inarticulateness he’s suddenly struck with… 

Are pretty damned inconvenient! 

Whoa!It’s my turn to go into the booth!When did this happen?A panel is sliding open, there’s a little guy standing by the opening – fully clothed, I might add - holding a folded stack of – what are those, towels? 

For the shower I presume.Whatever. 

“Badda bless, Kal-nel,” the little guy beams, and hands me a towel. 

“One of their local deities,” Daniel mutters under his breath.“He’s wishing you good luck.” 

Ah, so you _can_ talk again, can you?Thanks for nothing; even though I don’t know Badda, I kinda got that. 

“Backatcha bub,” I smile at the dude and start to unfold my towel. 

Oh…wait a minute… 

Whatever this is, it’s definitely not a towel.Oh no, I should be so lucky.Not a towel, not a towel, I’ll tell you what it looks like, looks like a frigging big balloon. Really big. What the hell is this, and what am I supposed to do with it? 

At this point, though, possibly the question I should be asking myself is do I really want to know, followed by where the fuck is the nearest exit and how do I get there? 

Suck it up, O’Neill, you got yourself into this.You could be in the clear right now, but you had to go and be you, thereby landing yourself right in the middle of it, so shut up and deal.Besides, there’s Daniel to consider.He doesn’t have a choice. Even though we are, admittedly, a tad pissed at the dear boy, there’s no way we’re sending him out there alone.No one gets left behind, or hung out to dry.We’re SG-1; we stick…and hang…together. 

So, we’re gonna have to run around on a football field naked and throw ourselves on a bunch of other naked guys for an hour or so.So, we get a few bumps and bruises in the bargain.So Carter, not to mention a whole bunch of other people we’ll probably never ever meet, and thank God for that, get an eyeful.So what?Other than the expiring from embarrassment potential inherent in the exercise, not like any of the aforementioned is gonna kill us, or anything. 

How much worse can it get? 

“Please, Kal-nel, like this,” the balloon-dispenser makes a motion like he’s pulling something over his head.And suddenly this thing I’m holding in my hands is looking a lot less like a balloon and much more like a giant condom. 

“You must…for your own protection.” 

I really wish he hadn’t said that. 

Right now my mind is going places even I never dreamt it capable.I’m so freaked out I’m actually capitulating without a whimper or a roar; as instructed I’m stretching this thing out and applying it to the top of my head and…pulling. 

Fuck!This is me doing a sausage imitation; my entire head from the top right down to my shoulders is…encased!Wait a minute, hold the phone, no need to flip out, this isn’t so bad, it’s weird, but I can breathe okay, see just fine… 

“Daniel, I am _so_ going to kill you for this.” 

No problem talking, either. 

“I know,” the man behind me wearily says, stepping forward to get his own cranial handi-wrapper.Little dude hands it to him, and then motions for me to step through the sliding panel in the box into – well, at this point I don’t even want to guess. 

“Ah well, into the box with me,” I say with as much bravado as a naked man with a giant condom on his head about to do something even stupider, I’m sure, can muster. 

“Good luck, O’Neill,” the up until now noticeably silent Jaffa member of our party suddenly chimes in.I don’t know if he’s been schtum all this time from shock, amusement or just laying low in order to stay off my radar, but for some odd reason I can’t help feeling by choosing this particular juncture at which to abruptly re-enter the conversation… 

He’s laughing on the inside plenty.At me. 

“Jack,” Daniel ventures. 

“Save it, Daniel, I will deal with you later,” I snap at him, before swaggering forward. 

The instant I cross the threshold the panel slides back, leaving me in the dark.Even more so than usual, that is.Speaking of dark, that’s what it is, in here, all right, very, very, extremely, not light.Small space.Dark space.Did I mention it’s dark in here?Smells, too.Kinda…funky odour, a very distinct aroma; familiar, I think, but can’t quite place it. 

Well, here we are, still in the dark.Still in the box.Still Jack.In the box.Jack in the box.Yeah, I still got it.Or I’m losing it; take your pick. 

Hellooo, is this thing on? 

Woo, does sensory deprivation work this fast?No panicking, here, Jack, it’s just been a couple of seconds.These are friends, impending allies, we can trust them; there’s no way this is anything really…bad, or potentially fatal. 

Wait a minute; what’s this, now?Ah, light, not much, but at least it’s something. 

Okay, this is new.Now we know what smells.Aside from this entire situation, that is.A faint cloud of stinky mist is oozing into the box, and all over me. Whoa, what is this stuff, feels sorta slick, really oily.Getting kinda coated, here.Glad this shit isn’t going in my eyes.That’d sting, I’m guessing. 

Hmmm, the head baggie, starting to make a lot more sense, now. 

Gah, whatever this stuff is, it’s gonna be a bitch to get off.Holy buckets, you want to talk greased pig here, or what. Oh crap, I get it. Definitely catching onto the method behind all this seeming madness.Greased pig. That’s exactly what I am.One slicked up porker prepped for the playing field.Shucked and slicked. 

All the more difficult to hang onto you, my dear. 

Well, this is just peachy.Not only do I feel like a first-class turkey, I’m gonna look like one too. Pre-basted and everything. 

Oh look, I’m done! 

Mist being sucked out of box, there goes the light, and oh goody, sliding panel in front of me, must be the exit.Whatever it is, I’m taking it. 

I am so out of here.The box, that is, but not the whole deal. 

I’m still game for the game, God only knows why. 

Hang on here, I know I should be booking but Daniel is next in line for the box and I’m betting the farm this is something else Anthroboy, didn’t ‘figure’ on.Yeah, he’s gonna come in here, right on my heels and it would _so_ make my day to be able to see his face when the stuff starts shooting out all over him.Yeah, he’ll be quite the sight, all right, naked, oiled to the eyeballs, entire body glistening, every single inch of him greased, slick, moist… 

Hot… 

Holy Hard-ons, I can’t believe I’m thinking about Daniel – like that – and it’s making me… 

Fuck, this is _so_ not the time for this! 

I shoot out of the box like my ass is on fire, and any concerns I might have about errant, and completely inappropriate thoughts and their extremely inconvenient – and obvious - consequences, no longer an issue.As soon as my foot hits the tile on the floor outside the box, crap!This stuff is really, _really_ slippery!I’m skidding across the floor, flailing my arms madly, momentarily managing to keep my balance thereby barely avoiding making a one point ass-landing in front of the entire, oiled assemblage. 

Goddammit!I’m just about up to my eyeballs with weird; can I get off this rollercoaster ride now? 

Please! 

”Hela! We have you, Kal-nel!” 

A couple of chuckling guys grab me by the arms before I coast clear across the room on my fricking heels.Mighty glad someone is finding this funny; personally, I am not amused. 

“Thanks, I – uh,” I shrug them off, and start ripping my used condom off my head.I wrestle the damned thing off and the guy on the right takes the discard while the guy on the left is handing me… 

What’s this now; looks like.... 

Looks like a skirt. 

Oh wait a minute, the guys all around me; they’ve all got one too.Only they’re already wearing theirs not staring at them trying to figure which fricking end is up.They’re all wearing skirts.Uniforms?We get uniforms?We don’t got to go out there dishabille?Au naturel?Sans clothing?El nudo?No running around on alien Astroturf for an unspecified length of time…naked? 

Really? 

Uniforms!Thank God! 

Well, that is, if you can call belts with bits of material attached to them…uniforms. 

Hey, I’ll take it!Whoa, not a lot of coverage here, front or back, but still, be it ever so brief, it’s way better than the former option, which was nothing at all.Let me see, what’s the deal here.This thing goes around the waist, okay, that much I get.This goes in front, this in back, but what’s with this pouch…thing. 

Oh.That’s where Mister Happy goes.Oh, joy.Not so much an athletic supporter as a…suspender. 

“Here, Jack, it goes like – “ Daniel sounds from behind, reaching for the hunk of material in my hands, no doubt figuring I’m too mentally feeble to figure it out.Ah, guess who’s finally joined the party.Forget it, pal, even though the band-aid with delusions of grandeur I’ve been issued softens the sting somewhat, I’m still pissed at you. 

“I got it!” I snarl at him, slapping his hand away and keeping my back to him while struggling to fit my private parts into the provided pouch.Okay, that’s tucked, now, this goes around here, tie it off there. 

That’s a wrap. 

Tah dah. 

I’m…covered, albeit briefly, but covered, nonetheless, and thankfully so is Daniel.Uh oh.Danger, Will Robinson, The thing I’m wearing is green.Daniel’s is blue. 

Awwww… crap! 

“We’re on opposite teams!”I blurt out indignantly.Which pretty much sums up the way I’m feeling; us getting split up is definitely not the scenario I expected or anticipated, what the what is up here, why would they put us against each other? 

“It’s worse than that, actually,” Daniel informs me with a weak grin. 

Worse?Worse than being sent out nearly naked and greased within an inch of our lives, and having to go against each other?What could be worse than that? 

“I believe Daniel Jackson is correct,” Teal’c adds, stepping around Daniel, moving to my side.“We appear to have been placed in a situation we did not anticipate when we agreed to participate in this contest.” 

I’m staring at Teal’c, and if I thought I had coverage issues… 

Whoa… 

Okay, my alarm level is officially way over the limit, but it has nothing to do with what is or isn’t almost covering most of the important bits of Teal’c’s anatomy, it’s the _colour_ of what is… 

Almost. 

Teal’c’s band-aid is white, with a green stripe along the bottom of the front and back…bits.A quick glance around at our fellow players, the gaggle of guys collecting around Daniel and me confirms this horrible sensation gathering steam in my gut.At this point I finally comprehend the true depth of the hole I have so stupidly dug for myself. 

I also get why both the Dodg and Daniel were so dead set against me doing this. 

Everybody in the room who isn’t Daniel or me is wearing white whatevers too.All white, except for a stripe of either green or blue along the bottoms of the skirt panels.The ones behind me are green stripers.Behind Daniel – blue. Daniel and me, we’re the only ones with solid-coloured mud-flaps. 

We are so hooped. 

“Daniel,” I growl at him.“Exactly _when_ were you going to tell me about this?” 

He knew.The son of a bitch knew all along.I know he knew. 

“I…um…” he stutters, turning a deep red.“I tried to, before, when I told you maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea, if you played, not just because of…” he inclines his head towards the line of smiling blue-striped bruisers forming behind him. 

“But also because of…” he finishes, glancing down at his crotch.“It was a given I was going to have to be a Zarder,” he says with a sigh.“There was no way I could get out of it.The whole ‘honour’ thing,” he adds with a grimace.“I couldn’t agree to play and not accept.And I couldn’t _not_ play,” he shrugs.“So there you go.” 

“Oh yeah,” I bite back at him.“They’re doing you a real favour.The chance to get stomped to death, repeatedly, by seven, eight, no, make that _eleven_ guys the size of the Hulk, what’s not to love about that?Who wouldn’t jump at the chance?” 

“Daniel Jackson did previously inform you the Quaar consider being granted the privilege of serving as Zarder a great accomplishment and honour in this society,” Teal’c smoothly interjects.“Naturally they would not wish to insult us, or our lead negotiator, by not allowing him to achieve this distinction himself.” 

“Naturally,” I say sarcastically. 

“I was really glad when Teal’c agreed to play,” Daniel explains.“I knew as Earth’s only other official representative on the field, he would automatically be made the other Zarder.” 

“An honour I would gladly have accepted, DanielJackson,” Teal’c says loftily. 

“That’s assuming I’d done the sensible thing and stayed out of it,” I snarl at them. 

“Well, there’s that,” Daniel murmurs and nods. 

“Let me see if I understand this correctly,” I begin, calmly, reasonably, not even yelling, even.“You wanted me to stay out of it, and Teal’c to be the other Zarder because you knew he’d have a better chance of avoiding being killed, than me.” 

He’s probably right about that one, and we both know it, but he’s not fooling me for an instant. 

“Um, yeah,” Daniel agrees, far too quickly. 

Lying bastard I have you now. 

“Your concern for my safety touches me deeply.And that’s what this was all about, you wanting to keep me out of it because you were thinking of protecting me and were not, in fact, trying to pull one over on me, that is, if Teal’c went in, and I didn’t, you wouldn’t have had to tell me about _any_ of this, most importantly the fact _you_ were going to have to be in a position of potentially getting the snot kicked out of you by every member of the opposing team – until well after the fact.” 

“I would have told you,” Daniel lies.“Even if you hadn’t insisted on playing.And now you are, because you’re our leader, well, naturally, it follows…” 

“I will gladly concede the honour to you,” Teal’c says with a deep bow. 

“Oh, thank you _so_ much!”I snarl at him. 

“It goes without saying _refusing_ …wouldn’t go over well.”Daniel says in a low voice, crossing over to me and taking my arm.Hmmmm,I’m starting to get a distinct…vibe from the guys gathered all around us, waiting, no doubt, for us to stop yakking and commence with the killing, I won’t say it’s exactly _hostile,_ but then again…. 

“Jack, you wanna…calm down?”Daniel mutters at me.“Please?The guys, they’re…” 

Yeah, I have noticed the natives are getting a tad restless.Not to mention a bit prickly. 

“They don’t understand why you’re upset.They think – “ 

“I know what the hell they think,” I finish for him.Namely, I should be jumping for joy at the chance I’m being graciously given to get the snot pounded out of me by a bunch of nearly but not entirely naked tanks on legs, and not… 

_ Freaking! _

“Jack, you don’t have to do this, there’s still time to…” Daniel hisses. 

“To do what?Quit?Jam out? Admit I can’t cut it? Tuck my tail between my legs and run?”I fire right back at him.I can’t believe he’s saying this to me, can’t believe for one damn minute he thinks we both think not only am I not up to this but he further thinks I’d bail and leave him because I’m… 

This is just the last stinking straw!Nobody calls me chicken! 

How pissed I am at his last so not helpful suggestion must be sprawled all over my face ‘cause he draws back, lifting his hands in a gesture of surrender. 

“Jack, I didn’t mean – “ 

“Save it, geekboy,” I snarl at him, stepping back to join my guys.“You and your Smurfs are going down!” 

“Jack, this isn’t personal,” Daniel eyes me warily, the boys in blue forming an extremely stalwart, and intimidating line behind him. 

“Sez you,” I sneer.“From where I’m standing it’s looking very personal.I hope you enjoy sucking alien Astroturf, ‘cause you’re gonna be doing it a lot!” 

Daniel’s face shuts down, his eyes getting that deadly, icy blue he usually reserves for System Lords and other assholes who think they’re gonna break or best him.Oooh, he’s pissed.Too damn bad, I’m not exactly turning cartwheels of joy myself, here. 

Glare away, bucko; you don’t scare me.Ain’t gonna get the best of me either. 

“Bring it on, _Old_ Man,” he says cruelly, in a voice cold enough to freeze the balls off a buffalo.With a particular emphasis on the old not escaping my allegedly decrepit hearing. 

Oh, oh, I am wounded to the core. 

Not. 

So, we’re _really_ fighting dirty, are we?Fine.I can do dirty. 

I can do you too, asshole.And your whole stinking team, too. 

“Blow it out your waaahzoo,” I snarl at him.“Losers!” 

“Oh, I don’t think so.” 

“Are so!” 

“Are not!” 

“Are!” 

“Not!” 

“O’Neill,” the big guy chimes in, interrupting our verbal pissing contest and scaring the snot out of me in the bargain. 

“What?”I yell at him. 

“I do not believe it would be wise for the two of you to enter into this situation with your judgment clouded by emotionalism.” 

“When I want your advice I’ll ask for it,” I silence him with a curt command.“Dead man walking!”I taunt Daniel one last time before turning my back on him, and turning to my team. 

“Come on guys, let’s show these losers how it’s done and win one for the Gipper!” 

If my team got the Gipper thing or not, they don’t let on, instead they let out a huge cheer, grab me by the arms, and start pushing me towards a big set of double doors on the other side of the room.Ah, this is it.I’m on the way to my destiny.The die is cast, the ball’s in play, it’s now or never, do or die, no turning back, abandon hope, all ye who exit here.Done some big talking; now I’ve got to deliver.Coming back a winner, or not coming at all. 

I mean coming back.Not coming.Back.Coming back. 

Ah, screw it; let’s get this over with already.First, I have to kill my linguist.Nothing personal, just on principle.Then, we’ll worry about whatever this thing is that’s been…these weird thoughts I’ve been having about, reactions to… to Daniel. 

And as for the boy himself, yeah, he’s in a snit now and for sure he’ll be doubly displeased with me once I whup his ass out there, but when he calms down, he’ll be fine. 

He will be fine, right. 

Sure he will.Why wouldn’t he be? 


	2. Chapter 2

And here we are, jogging down a long, brightly lit, gently sloping tunnel, Daniel and me, neck and neck, our homies trotting along behind us. Daniel isn’t looking at me, goes without saying he’s not speaking to me either.

Suits me just fine. Even though, come to think of it, the number of times I’ve wished he’d stop prattling on about this and that and he never does, in this particular instance his sudden silence is admittedly inconvenient. That is to say, although I presume we’re headed for the playing field, finally, I haven’t got a clue what happens once we get out there, or how you play the game, even, but I’m thinking Daniel does, or at least, if he doesn’t have the entire picture, he’s got more of a clue than me, and right now, if he weren’t extremely pissed at me, which he is, he’d be sharing, talking me through it, telling me what comes next, which he most definitely is not.

That is, if he knows. But, knowing him, I’m betting he does.

Well, I guess we’ll never know, one way or the other, ‘cause for sure I’m getting nuthin’ out of him right now. That’s fine, it’s not like I’ve never had to wing it before, this head on my shoulders isn’t just decorative, I’ll have you know, I’ve managed to get by just fine in enemy territory with virtually no intel on more than one occasion before I had Anthroboy here to interpret the universe for me.

I can get by on the fly with the best of them. From the looks of things we’d better start flapping.

Oooh hoo, there’s the light at the end of the tunnel. Big one, big honking entrance leading to…wherever the hell it is we’re eventually ending up. It’s showtime!

Straight-backed, eyes fixed immutably forward, jaw clenched so tight a muscle in his cheek is practically doing a Morse code dance Daniel trots on through the gap like he knows exactly what he’s doing, and I’m keeping right up. Whither wherever thou goest, and all that jazz. I’m with ya, pal. I might not know which end is up, but no way I’m letting you see me sweat.

Oh. My. God.

I know Daniel said the Quaar were nutso about this game but there’s nutso and then there’s –

Now this, this is completely deranged!

This place is huge! My God, you could fit three astrodomes under this dome, wow…that’s a looong way up there, almost can’t see the top of this joint, holy shit, are those clouds? Naaah, couldn’t be. And as for the size of the playing field… crap, I have to run the length of this thing just once and I’m gonna be dead! Wooo, lookit all the people, tiers and tiers of places for folks to park it, stacks and banks of seats going on up to the frigging sky, there must be enough seating to accommodate everyone on the frigging planet – and it looks they’re all here!

The joint is packed! The second we hit the field they all go insane, a couple of zillion people slam to their feet and holler their heads off and this ear-shattering roar goes up, so loud I swear the air around us is vibrating. I don’t even want to think about what it’s doing to my eardrums. Our happy little company doesn’t break stride in the face of the heroic reception; we keep jogging down the sidelines while the crowd goes wild. A writhing, shrieking mass of jumping, waving, screaming fans streams past me, filling the periphery of my vision, their enthusiasm not only freaking me out but threatening to deafen me in the bargain, but I can’t go gawking on back at them at the moment. I’m trying to keep up, keep my wits about me and keep focused on picking up the steps from the silent man at my side and then suddenly Daniel wheels right and…

Whoa! How the hell did I miss this, I know it’s hard not to be slightly overwhelmed by the welcome, not to mention…God, this place is big, but that…

Hovering over the centre of the field is this cube, roughly the size, and this is just a guess here, of, oh, the planet, looks like a giant video…thingee, with screens on every side, and this voice is booming out all around us, the commentator, I’m guessing, oh wait, that’s my name, the guy is talking about me, can’t make out what he’s saying, though, but I definitely heard my name. Whatever he’s telling these folks, hope it’s something good. Yeah, it must be everybody’s cheering, aw crap – look up in the sky, Ma, that’s me, all over the cube. Yikes, talk about your close-ups; I’m blown up big enough to fit up on Mount Rushmore .

Crap, that isn’t even my best side.

Wow. Lookit, I’m huge! You could fly a missile up my nose, but I don’t know why you’d want to.

We keep jogging across the field, crowd still going totally nutso, fanfare blazing, lasers and alien fireworks blasting from one end of the dome to the other, so far as all of it goes, discounting the whole Mount Rushmore treatment, which I could have done without, this is actually…not too bad. Also feeling kinda familiar, in a weird sort of deja view way. If I didn’t know I was on another planet I could swear I was smack dab in the middle of the Superbowl, not a lot of difference in what’s going on around here versus the sort of pre-game hoopla in your average astrodome in the good ole US of A except, of course, when I’m seeing, and experiencing, I’m usually…up there, in the moderately expensive seats, instead of…

Yanno, this situation is kind of ironic, actually, if you think about it, I mean, considering before I got rooked into this whole wild ride what was uppermost on my mind was getting the heck back home for the game, so I guess you could say I sort of kind of got my wish.

Who says the universe doesn’t have a sense of humour?

You see, I got game, but not quite the way I originally figured it. In my former blissful ignorance of what was yet to come what I was originally anticipating involved my rec room and the wide screen, which I will admit is nowhere in the same league as the alien version of HD – that is the HUGE Definition action we’ve got going here, but anyway, with regards to my game, my participatory expectations were definitely much more of the spectator variety. Yep, the most strenuous activity I was expecting during game time was jumping up and down and yelling when my team scored a goal, and walking to the fridge to get another beer. Fully dressed, I might add, although it is true I have been known to indulge in the occasional au natural viewing, however, that’s something no one needs to know but me. 

Yeah, clothing is nice. Wish I had a bit more now. Not to mention a beer. Or several. Wonder if they even have beer on this planet, or a suitable alcoholic substitute. Well if they do I have confidence Carter, wherever the hell she is, has already gathered the necessary intel. She’s probably having mine as we speak.

God, more running. So far since hitting this damned field after what already feels like an eternity ago, we’ve been jogging our guts out, and I gotta tell you, this goes on much longer, I’m gonna be too pooped for the main event. Although, I’m not as tired as I probably should be, for all the scampering I’ve been doing, wonder if it’s got anything to do with the stuff we’re running on, feels kinda weird, sorta…bouncy. Whatever it is, it’s definitely not Astroturf, for starters it’s white, which is different, but I can live with it, and then there’s the whole trampoline effect which I’m actually starting to think might be a really good thing, considering how much time I’m probably going to be spending being slammed into the stuff and all. 

Okay, we finally seem to be actually going somewhere; we’re headed for the big yellow oval under the cube. Huge white flash in the middle of the oval, huge roar from the crowd, oh look, it’s the Dodg, all decked out in this glittering robe and pointy hat almost three times as high as he is. What, is he the ref or something? Being the leader of the people isn’t enough for him he’s gotta moonlight as a sports official too? Oh well, guess I should count my blessings; at least he didn’t bring Carter with him.

As we get closer to the obviously venerated head of this particular state and the patch of ground he’s standing on I can see two coloured lines on either side of him, one green, one blue, bisecting the entire length of the yellow oval. I can make a fair guess what my next move should be and head for the green line even as Daniel and his boys veer for the blue. He hasn’t said a word, hasn’t even looked my way once, so even though we’ve finally, I hope, arrived, I’m still as much in the dark as when this whole carnival commenced.

So, I don’t know what I’m doing. So what. When have I ever let that stop me? Who needs you, Anthroboy, I can handle myself just fine with or without your culture commentary.

The boys bow to the Dodg, I quickly follow suit and duck my head, he acknowledges us with a serene smile and an expansive wave of his arms, making his glitterball gown throw sparks all over the place. I’m trying not to giggle at the hat, but I gotta tell you…some of the stuff I’ve seen what passes for sartorial on the different planets we’ve visited, you gotta wonder what people are thinking, the get-ups they go about in; do they have any idea how stupid they look? This hat, this really takes the cake, it’s just about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, even funnier than the salad bowl topper of Tuplo’s. And that was a seriously funny hat.

What is wrong with me; I must be totally out of what little is left of my mind, I’m going off about hats now…

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what’s going on now, we’re bending, we’re stretching, we’re doing some sort of weird-ass alien tai chi routine while the Dodg looks on and smiles at us. What is this, the warm-up? More fucking ritual? Geez, trying to keep step with the dude on my right but I’m at least three behind and it’s not helping while all of us are bending and stretching these huge…images…flashing across the cube, which, and I can hardly believe this, has a fifth side, on the bottom, so even though we’re directly underneath it, we can look up, and still see…

I don’t know where these pictures are coming from, I don’t see any camera crews running along the sidelines, but something is panning over every guy on this field, one by one, putting them up on the thousand foot high screen while they’re going through their paces, what’s all that gibberish running underneath, squiggly writing of some sort, I don’t read alien so good, so I’m just guessing here, probably their names, and game-related stats, that would make sense but in this place, who knows. Woah, look at these guys! I thought they were big before, but put ‘em up there, all blown up and…you can see every muscle…and bulge, especially when they bend over…like that…wow, look at the ass on that guy, what is he doing, putting his foot behind his head, okay that’s not right, shouldn’t even be possible, and they’d better not be expecting me to turn myself into a human pretzel because I gotta tell ya, not happenin’!

Ah geez, there’s Daniel!

Hey, he’s not doing too bad, he’s following the moves pretty good, stretching in time with the other guys. He’s…big…too, and…damn, is he built. 

Wow…

He looks good. Really, really good…

I knew that, I mean, I know he’s in great shape, and he’s…that is, I’ve heard, as guys go, he’s…attractive. Hot…even, and yeah, I’ve noticed, in passing, you understand, when I’ve seen him nearly…and…naked, that he hasn’t exactly been beaten up with an ugly stick, but even though I see him all the time, sometimes with no clothes on, I know what he looks like, I’ve never seen him like this. I mean, when you’re standing next to him in the locker room while you’re both stripping off, or watching him, in the shower – not that I do, watch him, when he’s…showering…or anything, he’s…well he’s…yeah, I would go so far as to say he’s…good looking, not that I really noticed, because I haven’t, not – not really, but now, it hard not to he’s up there, all of him…up there, and all over, bigger than a billboard, hell, he’s so big you could probably see him back at the SGC and you can see everything he’s got, practically, even with the skirt, whoa… if anything the skirt is making things…clearer…the way he’s oiled down, the material, God, it’s clinging, outlining every curve, every bulge…

Jesus, he might as well be naked! It’s a damned good thing he’s not looking up ‘cause if he could see himself, like this, so…over-exposed, not to mention…blown up, well, he wouldn’t like it much, even though the crowd seems to be digging the show and him pretty fine. Yeah…he’s putting on quite the show, even though he doesn’t have a clue. Quite the show. The camera’s staying on him an awfully long time. Not that I’m complaining, I’m just saying, but it is, while he keeps on going, making with the moves, not looking up, not getting this drop in the noise level is due to every eye in the place…glued to that screen and the huge image of him, the camera, or whatever, following his every move, panning over each inch of his body, close-up and personal, like…like…

Making love…

Daniel’s eyes are closed, he’s really getting into it now, oooh, look at the way he’s moving, so slowly, graceful, slick, gleaming muscles undulating beneath his skin, now he’s bending low, butt cheeks bunching…oooooh, that’s….nice…stretching…wayyyyy out and then surging back up again, lifting his arms, breathing deep, close-up on his chest, rising and falling, dewy and gleaming with oil and…sweat, little bead lightly, slowly dribbling…down, right there, between his pecs, you can see it so clearly, something so damned sensuous about it, can’t help watching it…easing on down that glistening skin, slowly sliding…slithering down his heaving chest and suddenly I can’t stand it II want to reach out…wipe it away…touch that moist skin, looks so good, like it was made for touching, run my finger along that pert nipple or maybe even…

Lick…

I feel something slam in the pit of my gut, like a clenched fist and I wanna hurl. Oh my God, what’s happening to me, I shouldn’t be thinking this way about…about Daniel for God’s sake, but I am and he is, he is beautiful, the most gorgeous thing I’ve eve seen in my life and I know it’s crazy but I want…I want…

I really do. I can’t, but I do!

Well, isn’t this just peachy, this has to be the stupidest place in the universe to be having an epiphany but I am, right here, right now, but I can’t, can’t, gotta put the brakes on fast, ‘cause if I don’t stop thinking about it, and him…like this, I’m gonna be having something else this isn’t exactly the best place for either considering how little I’m wearing. The folks here will be getting enough entertainment out of me as it is without upping the rating to NC-17.

Too late! Daniel’s off the screen and I’m looking up at me – standing stock still, staring up like a moron with my mouth hanging open, a thousand feet of gob-smacked idiot with a hard-on on display in front of the whole frigging planet.

Go away! Zoom in on something else! Dammit! There’s nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, I look like a freaking idiot, which is exactly the way I feel and evidently the crowd thinks so too, because we’re getting a fair bit of guffawing from the stands, followed by applause and cheering.

Someone please kill me. 

Finally the camera moves on to the next guy, thank God, and we’re wrapping up the entertainment portion of the evening. The boys belay the bending and stretching and the Dodg holds up his arms again.

Are we starting yet? I still don’t know what’s going on; maybe it’s time I found out. If Daniel won’t talk to me maybe I can get something out of hat dude here.

“Um, your Dodgness?” I pipe up, taking a step toward him.

“Kal-nel!” The Dodg wheels and flashes me a big, toothy grin. “You honour us with your presence!”

Huh, that’s not the way I heard it.

“Um, thanks, the honour is all mine,” I answer him. “I’m…pleased to be here and all, but it’s just…what do I do, now I am? Here, I mean.”

The old guy frowns. “No one has explained?”

“Well, yes and no. I know Daniel and I are – we’re the ones who have to score, but how exactly it’s done, what the rules are…”

“Rules?” The Dodg frowns again. “There are no rules. You must run, as must Doctor Jackson.” He turns and points toward the left end of the field. “You are the Zarder of the Vlins. If you reach the objective before him, the Vlins will be victorious. That is all.”

One goal takes the game? Just one? I only have to run down the field once?

“All I have to do is make it down there - once?”

This sounds too easy!

“If you are able,” the Dodg smiles mysteriously.

Ooookay, I am sooo not liking the sounds of this. Dead man running theory just confirmed.

Yeah, well, they’ll have to catch me first, the second the whistle blows, I’m so outta here, they won’t see my dust for my dust.

“Radda!” the Dodg suddenly booms, lifting his arms high. The crowd roars, I jump a foot in shock from the sound, and Daniel puts on an evil grin and starts walking toward me.

Oh crap, what now?

“Put your hands on my shoulders,” he hisses, clamping both his on mine, and squeezing hard.

Oh, so now you’re talking to me, are you? You sure know how to pick your moments. Better late than nothing, I suppose.

“Daniel, what the hell is going on?” I hiss at him, and do the shoulder-grasping thing. He doesn’t say anything; just glares at me and leans in close ‘til our foreheads are touching.

I’m getting that…innervating and yet inconvenient…feeling…again, need to back off, just a little, but the second I try he clamps down on my shoulders – ow! Not so hard!

“Hey! Easy, no bruising the merchandize!”

“What’s going on, is you’re going down,” he snarls, not relaxing the vice grip one iota.

Crap, he means it; this has gone way beyond him being merely pissed with me. Daniel is on a personal mission to terminate me with extreme prejudice.

Yeah, In his dreams.

“Sez you. Fat chance, geekboy, you’re gonna need to shower for a week to get my footprints off your back.” I jeer right back at him.

I know, egging him on, getting him even madder, makes me look as stupid as I usually appear, but you see, I have a plan. Really. Now, Daniel in his right mind is a pretty smart guy, but, little secret here, pissed Daniel equals stupid Daniel, when he gets really mad all those brains – right out the window.

Hey, I need every edge I can get here, even if there is no way in hell he could ever take me, it doesn’t hurt to hedge your chances.

“God! You are so – so –“ 

Daniel is so pissed he’s incapable of completing a sentence and stuttering. God, I’m good.

“I know you are, but what am I?” I grin at him and blow in his face.

Juvenile, I know, but at this point, the more annoying I am the better. From the way he’s trembling and that steam currently shooting out of his ears; I’ve achieved my objective; boy’s brains are boiling right out of his head and he’s thinking none too clearly. My job is done here, now I gotta focus on eking whatever remaining scraps of intel I can out of the environment during the few seconds my unerring instincts tell me I got left before whatever kinda hell’s in my immediate future…breaks loose.

Thirty seconds to threat-assess? What the hey, I’ve done a whole lot more with a heck of a lot less. Okay, okay, what’s going on here Daniel and I are in a clinch in front of the Dodg, two lines of guys behind us, a clear path between ‘em to where we’re supposed to be headed. So, to get to where we’re going, we have to run the gauntlet, past all the other guys? Kinda like a hazing line, or corridor of doom. Oh, oh, that’s not a comforting image, is that the game plan, the second the whistle blows, are they going to jump all over us to keep us from getting where we’re supposed to be going? Is that what the Dodg meant by, ‘if you can?’

Great, this thing between us will be settled before it’s even begun, no worries about which one of us is going to come out on top; we’ll both be dead before we get five feet. 

“ZOT!” The Dodg yells, and before I’ve a chance to blink Daniel steps into me, grabs me around the waist swiping my legs out from under me with a swift, efficient motion. Down I go, and the next thing I know I’m flat on my back, staring up at the cube, and myself, lying flat on my back staring back down at me, and meanwhile Daniel –

The sneaky bastard is smoking down the line of guys towards the open field like his ass is fitted with afterburners. 

Sonofabitch! That was the kick-off, nice of Daniel to clue me in! I can’t believe he got the drop on me like that! Damn you, Jackson , you’re a dead man; nobody makes a monkey of Mrs. O’Neill’s little boy!

Cursing I scramble to my feet. Daniel is headed away at a pretty good clip, but I’m fast too, he hasn’t got that much of a head start on me, I can catch him.

No problem. And when I do…

I’m up, I’m about to head out, but suddenly, I’m confused. I know the fact Daniel currently is where he is, means, obviously the boys didn’t jump all over him when he zoomed past ‘em, and, I’m hoping that also means they’ll grant me the same courtesy. But what’s the deal, here, why are all the other guys just standing there, not doing anything but staring at me like they’re waiting for me to change colour or something?

“Run, Benack!” someone hollers from behind me, about the same time I feel several huge hands on my back and an enormous shove sends me stumbling several steps forward. 

Okay, no pushing, I’m going, I’m going! Keep your shirts on, I get it, me, Zardoz, must run after Daniel, I get it, I’m going. Gone. Don’t sweat it or anything, talk amongst yourselves while I do all the work, here!

Still feeling slightly wobbly from the turbo boost I scoot on past the double line of hulking, scowling bruisers, thanks for the kick start, best ignite my own ass now and make some serious tracks if I’m gonna catch up Speedy Gonzales, who, during the few seconds I wasted getting my bearings, has already considerably widened his lead. I’m thinking the name I just call got called wasn’t exactly complimentary, and possibly whoever shoved me wasn’t supposed to provide the power assist, ‘cause there’s suddenly a whole lot of yelling happening behind me. Much hollering, and the unmistakable sounds of a fair-sized free-for-all I’m mighty glad I’m not mixed up in, but other than the to-do in the rear I’m swiftly accelerating away from I don’t hear any three hundred pound hounds baying on my heels.

Not that I’m complaining or anything, but what gives?

I risk a quick glance over my shoulder, and sure enough, I’m not being pursued on account of the sizeable brawl erupting all over the yellow oval; all the guys we left behind, including Teal’c are piling up on each other, doing some serious wrestling, scuffling and determined head bashing. Ow – that musta hurt; nobody’s pulling any punches, every guy all over the ground and each other looks totally committed to killing every other player they can get their hands on. 

Oh well, better them than me.

I’m way past confused now, but I can’t worry about what’s behind, gotta focus on catching up to the boy booting it for the far side ahead of me.

Waaaay ahead of me now. Crap.

Daniel’s really pulled out in front there, damn his tight little ass. Damned tight ass, and I want it now more than ever, although not for quite the same reason as before.

Yep, definitely gonna get that ass, and when I do I’m gonna pound it good into this white crap currently giving me frigging wings along with my ruthless resolve to catch that sneaky, cheating bastard. He may be fast, but I’m…

Hey, I’m me! And there’s just no fricking way he’s gonna win! Old, I’ll show him old, I was running rings in a football field when he was still in diapers, dig in, O’Neill, all you have to do is catch him, get him down, that’s not a problem, he’s toast, dead meat, history, goddamned stinking, cheating bastard, flaunting himself like that, distracting…I’m all over you, asshole, and as soon as I catch you…

Down, down, down, you’re going down!

I charge down the field like I’ve got retro rockets on my heels, riding on the intoxicating roar from the crowd and my own dead cold determination to bring Daniel down. Closing the gap, closing, legs pistoning beneath me like I’m nuclear-powered, gotta move even faster, run, O’Neill, you sack of shit run!

Hot damn, I’m doing it, doing it, I’m catching him! Just a couple more feet… lungs…starting to burn, can’t…let up…or slow down…punch it…so close… God, listen to that crowd, they’re going totally whacko, what a racket, can’t hear myself stink, let ‘em yell, gonna give ‘em something to really scream about, almost got you, you son of a –

Not gonna make it, almost tapped out, keeping up, but can’t…close gap, can’t…keep…this pace up much longer, he’s right…right there…but…but just out of reach, can’t…quite…make it… dammit! So close, I’m so close, but might as well be a million miles away, and a couple more seconds I’ll be done and he’ll be in the clear…I’ll never catch him, can’t let that happen, have to do…something…now!

Time to go airborne. Lock, load and pray. 

Desperate, I launch myself at the galloping geekboy, hoping to tackle him, take him down before he scampers out of my range. He could still do it, he’s moving so fast, don’t think I’m gonna connect, even with the making like a guided missile ploy, damn it, my last shot and it’s a dud and then, the miracle happens.

Possibly sensing potential peril and my proximity, not to mention being tipped off by a couple million fanatics screaming my name at the top of their lungs his ass is about to be grassed, Daniel finally makes the fatal error I’ve been banking on, momentarily breaking stride in order to grab a glance over his shoulder.

Yes, your worst nightmare has arrived, better pooped than never, and thanks to your dumbosity giving him the opening he needs he’s punching your ticket to run!

I crash into Daniel’s back and we both go down hard, rolling and scuffling across the white stuff, arms and legs tangling during the frantic tussle. I grit my teeth, make like a boa constrictor and hang the hell on, stars, stripes and freaking pinwheels zooming around in my head and in front of my eyeballs, a hundred and eighty mighty pissed pounds of writhing, snorting, snarling archaeologist beneath me doing his best to buck me off.

We got a bit of a situation happening here, but as soon as I can catch my breath…

Whoa, Nelly, I’m no slouch in the hand-to-hand department, but this boy feels like he’s got about a dozen arms and legs and all of them, and him, currently dedicated to getting me off…of him, that is. With a freaking vengeance. I’ve got Daniel down, but keeping him there, never mind me getting clear enough to have a clean run for the border, not exactly a piece of cake, the crap they misted us both with back in the locker room is every bit as inconvenient as I feared. It’s proving problematical to achieve a decent hold of any sort on account of both of us being super-lubed from head to fricking tail, and I do mean all over, as was no doubt the purpose for the stupid stuff in the first place. Damn, Daniel is slipperier than an eel dipped in hair gel! Oh well, one small consolation, seeing as how I’m pretty slick myself he’s not having any more luck getting a decent grip than I am.

Yanno, in another context, this could be fun. We’re bumping and grinding, sliding and swooshing all over the ground and each other like two over-achieving Jell-O-wrestlers coated in cooking oil and if not for the fact I can’t afford to let him win, and let’s not forget being as how there are currently probably a couple of million people watching our every move, making our close encounter of the squishy kind way more public than I’m normally comfortable with, if not for all that I could really get into this. Daniel is madder than hell, and I gotta tell you, I always get a real kick out of him when he gets all hot and bothered, especially at me, he’s kinda cute when he turns really red, starts sputtering, the whole jumping up and down thing totally gets me going. It’s always turned my crank to rev him up and watch him go and now, he’s not just revved, he’s totally ballistic, swearing a blue streak and spitting all over me while he’s struggling his guts out to toss me off him, it’s turning me on how desperately he’s fighting me, straining, grunting snarling, bumping against me, over and over, how hard he is…

Holy shit, he’s hard!

I’m so shocked by the sensation Daniel manages to roll me over but before he can pin me down I flip him off and fling myself on him, the surprised whoosh of air forced out of his lungs by the unexpected impaction tickling my ear. He lies still for a sec, stunned and winded, just as I cleverly calculated before deciding to implement the strategic pancake maneuver in the first place. We’re still both slicked to the gills but I’m slightly more experienced in the hand-to-hand stuff and I’ve had enough time to compensate for the oily factor. I take advantage of the brief breathing space his temporary inability to breathe affords me to pin both his wrists, and him, down fast while adding my full body weight to the task of keeping him flattened and breathless and this time, my hold holds.

Gotcha!

“Get off me!” Daniel wheezes, and pushes weakly against the force holding his hands down. Which would be my mitts wrapped around his wrists. Man, this boy has got spunk, even though he’s turning slightly blue from a combination of the exertion of the mad dash and me putting my all into mashing him into the ground…

He’s still fighting, for all the good it’ll do him. He gave it his best shot, I’ll give him that, it was a pretty good one, but when it’s all said and done, age and experience are the ticket. He may be fast, but I’m way sneakier. And, I’m still da man. The best one to boot.

I must be, I’m the one on top, right?

“Give it up, Daniel, you’re done,” I grin back down at him. “I’ll be on my way now, don’t you worry about that finish line, I’ve got that covered, you just lie here, rest up, catch your breath and I’ll see you in the winner’s circle, sucker.”

I hate to gloat, okay, maybe I don’t, but from where I’m lying, the end of this particular contest is pretty much your fore-gone delusion.

Not that there was ever any doubt in my mind who was gonna get it in the end.

“Eat…shit…old…man…” Daniel spits up at me between gasps, his eyes snapping, flaring with rage. Insults, and incandescent ire. God, I love him to death when he’s like this, he’s so hot I could… 

Oooh, I wish... 

“I’m not that old,” I gloat, shifting over him, just a little. “Enough pop in the old colonel to bring you down, sonny. “

“Asshole!” Daniel sputters, and savagely thrusts his pelvis up into mine. Really…hard.

Oooh, that felt good. Soooo…good.

Do it again!

“Is that the best you can do? I’ll try not to cry too hard while I’m thumbing my nose at you from the finish line.”

Yep, that did it, made him mad enough to start some serious wriggling beneath me in an effort to get out from under me. I press into him, holding him down firmly, matching his movements, ostensibly to restrain him, sure, but also... 

Okay, I know this is really stupid, I should have been up and running at least thirty seconds ago, the longer I mess about here, messing around with him, giving him time to recover, whatever slight advantage I’ve gained through knocking the wind but not the piss out of him is rapidly being rubbed away…literally. Every second I stick here and…frictionalize is one he can use against me, but I need this, right now, to feel him, just once, beneath me, like this…a few lousy seconds of some harmless one-on-one, what could it hurt.

Ten minutes, tops.

I lean into him, grinding my groin into his, slow and deep, and he goes still beneath me, his eyes getting wide, pupils dilating until they look like two huge dinner plates.

Glittering and black….so…black…

“Wha – what are you doing?” he gasps, his breath shuddering in his chest. His eyes close, a small groan escaping from his slightly open mouth. He’s gulping air, fast and shallow, panting almost, breathing hard…hard…

…so hard…

I – I – I should stop, now, but it feels so good, we’re moving faster, together, I’m shaking bad, so bad I can hardly…can’t stop moving, shaking, oh GodGodGod –

Daniel’s eyes fly open, brimming with hurt, confusion and tears. I don’t understand what’s – why he’s – and then they go cold.

Really cold.

“You son of a bitch!” he chokes. “I can’t believe you’d do this – to - to me – just to – to – you son of a bitch! “

Oh God, he thinks – no, no, it’s not like that Daniel, I didn’t mean, that is, I do mean, this wasn’t about that, you…matter…

My head is whirling like I’ve got an overachieving tornado happening inside my skull and the thousands of tangled puzzles knotting my brain all these years suddenly…unspool… it’s all there, crystal clear, and screaming at me for release, explanations, apologies, things I want to say, have wanted to say for practically as long as I’ve known him but never knew what or how or why. I know now, I…understand, what he is, who he is, why he…and me…have to, have to tell him now while it’s all so clear, and right there, and I open my mouth to – to – but all that comes out is this…gurgle.

Appropriate articulation under pressure…not one of my strong suits. Crap, blew it again, maybe for good this time and looking down at those cold, furious eyes…

Yeah, no matter how this thing turns out, I’ve lost the game.

Daniel’s eyes narrow; get this creepy, crafty cast. He swipes his tongue across his lower lip, slow and languorous, smiling smugly like he’s knows something I don’t and he’s not inclined to share.

Um…what?

“Sucker,” Daniel whispers, and makes his move.

I’m abruptly tipped on my back like an unsuspecting steer, and – crap, there he goes! Up on his haunches in a flash, poised like a runner crouched and coiled, waiting for the starter’s pistol.

That does it – this is the last time, the very last time that monkey is making an uncle out of me!

Daniel bolts, but I’m quicker, rolling and grabbing for the nearest ankle. My fingers slip, then lock tight, I yank, hard, down he goes, face first into the stuff. He kicks back, his heel connecting with my chin, but I slap his foot away, keep hauling on his ankle, keeping him off balance and off his feet while I get to mine. He’s powering up for another roundhouse kick when this huge roar…erupts all around us.

We can’t help it; the noise level in the arena is so close to ear-bleeding level we momentarily leave off beating the crap out of each other to check out what is causing all the fuss. Holy shit, sorry I looked, evidently the brawl back where we started has thinned out some; about half a dozen guys from both sides have made it clear of the original fracas and…hell, incoming! No question, they’re headed this way, chugging towards us like a bunch of runaway freight trains, what they’re gonna do when they get here, don’t know, don’t intend sticking around long enough to find out. That blue striper in the lead, oh yeah, definitely don’t want to mess with that dude. Hey, hang on, there’s my man Teal’c going for the tackle. Ow! Bluey goes blooey, slam-basted into the ground with Teal’c wrapped around him, he’s out, way to go, big guy, one for our side, now a green guys is out in front, that’s way better, he’s on my side so when he gets here, if there’s pounding to be done, it won’t be on my head. Wait a minute, wait a minute, behind you dude, you’ve got a blue meanie on your tail!

Too late. OOooh! That’s gonna leave a mark!

Okay, not exactly sure what the game plan is, but I’ve got eyes, company’s coming, granted slowly, mostly brawling their way along the field, but there are a couple more guys on their feet, heading this way, time to get going.

Crap! Daniel kicks me in the chin, again, this time with enough force to not only almost lay me flat, but give me the general impression he doesn’t love me any more.

He’s definitely not fooling around. Well, boo hoo, neither am I.

And…evidently he’s still pissed, ‘cause he makes his second mistake of the day, instead of grabbing his chance to bolt while my head is momentarily spinning from his love tap he tries to follow it up with a right cross.

Nope, nope, nope!

I block the punch easily and land one of my own. It connects, jolting my arm right up to the shoulder. Ow!!!! Daniel keels over on his side, I’m shaking my hand and swearing, and while I’m trying to get the feeling back in my fingers he rolls over, pushes himself onto all fours, shakes his head and starts crawling frantically forward.

Not so fast, Ghunga Dan, I’m still a better man than you are, and here’s where you find out the difference training makes.

Daniel is grunting, attempting to stand, but I throw myself on his back, bear-hugging him around his chest, and bear down. Gonna push him face first into the alien Astroturf, that’ll be all she wrote for him, then push off him and go for the - 

Crap, not now!

About two tons of solid muscle comprised of an indeterminate amount of individuals slams into the my back mashing me solidly into Daniel and well, Daniel, as he happens to be under me, he’s currently enjoying some real up close and personal quality time with the white stuff. Which was my original plan for him, sure, I was just wasn’t figuring on being part of the sandwich. Me, I’ve got this human avalanche on my back and we’re talking serious pancake time here. Puppy pile with maple syrup. Hold the ham. Ugh. Quick, somebody give me a snorkel, getting hard to breathe down here. Never felt so…compacted…in my life, but one bright spot; I may be about to pass out from oxygen deprivation but I’m not the only one effectively contained in this situation; I know exactly where Daniel is, right under me, and that’s where he’s stayin’ –

“O’NEILL! DANIELJACKSON!”

Oy, must be hallucinating, I could swear I just heard a Jaffa yell.

Wow! Just when I’m thinking I’m about to end my existence as an oily smear on Daniel’s back the pressure on my posterior is gone; I’m dimly aware of my guys tossing the blue guys left and centre. Hey! Way to go, it’s John Wayne time, the cavalry is here! I’m clear, Daniel is still down, I can’t believe I managed to keep my hold on him through all this, but he’s here, I’ve got him, he’s not moving, odds are he’s passed out, all the better for me, means he won’t be coming after me any time soon, here’s my chance to get going and win this thing, if I can keep from passing out and get…to my feet and go, and my guys, can keep his guys…off me, so I can…

Um…what the hell was I doing again?

Whoa…where’s the finish line…

“Are you injured, O’Neill?” Teal’c hollers in my ear, grabbing me by the arms and hauling me to my feet so violently he breaks my hold on Daniel.

Aw crap, I don’t believe this, there’s some life in the energizer bunny yet, being on the bottom of the heap might have slowed him down but he’s still going, crawling for the clear while Teal’c keeps pulling me away.

Dammit, he’s up, about to go again! Gotta move!

“Lemme go!” I snarl at my Jaffa saviour and lunge at Daniel. I grab his shoulder, my hand slips, skitters down his back, he twists away and suddenly dives to avoid a flying leap from…crap, that’s one of my guys, he’s overshot Daniel and his present trajectory strongly suggests he’s gonna land…

Oh my God, this isn’t happening, I’m gonna get kilt again. 

I desperately leap under the flying wallenda about to make a one point on my head, and make an equally desperate grab for the crawling wonder, who ain’t getting the best of me if I have anything to say about it! I gotta get another hold on that boy and I don’t care what I connect with. Fingers, toes, an ear, anything, at this point I’m not picky. In another second or so I probably won’t be alive enough to care, one way or another, but as long as I’m still conscious I’ve gotta give it my all, my eagerly questing fingers clutch and latch on, and from the ensuing angry roar…ah Daniel, I’d recognize that rage anywhere. 

Gotcha, gotcha, not letting go this time! 

I grab hard and pull, whatever I’ve got, it’s staying got, no matter what. Wiggling, he’s still wiggling away, doing his best, anyway, to break my hold, but it’s not happening, I’ve still got…what the hell is it I’ve got a hold of it doesn’t feel like…an arm, or even a leg. Definitely not a nose.

Oh. My. God. I forgot about the hippo about to land on my head!

That…hurt…

…oooooh, musta lost consciousness for a couple of seconds, things are kinda…monochrome and…misty…definitely…definitely…misty. Daniel didn’t get away, still got something clenched in my fist…what’s with all the racket, sounds like one hell of a thunderstorm or the whole place is about to cave in. 

No…that’s people…cheering. Thousands and thousands of people, roaring their faces off, chanting, cheering.

Oh crap, the game! It’s still on, but how is that possible, it can’t be, I’m not in the running…got taken out by one of my own guys, and Daniel isn’t, in play, either, ‘cause I’ve still got him, so why are they cheering?

Still feeling mighty confused as Teal’c’s huge black fist reaches down, wraps around my right bicep and hauls me to my feet. I wobble about, batting away supporting Jaffa hands, blinking down at the ground beneath me.

No Daniel. He’s not there. But he has to be; I didn’t let go.

No, this is not possible. Not happening. I got hit on the head harder than I thought, because there is no way, I cannot be seeing what I am seeing.

Oh man, this sucks! How is this possible?

Daniel’s not here, on the ground, where he should be, because he’s there, waaaaay down there, most of the way down the field, hotfooting it for the finish line. He’s only got a couple hundred yards to go. No way I’ll ever catch him now. 

Game over. Crap.

I don’t understand, he should be – but he’s not – he’s…but he shouldn’t be…

I don’t get it.

I didn’t let go.

I’m still standing, swaying and staring, so gob-smacked I can’t do much else. No one is chasing Daniel, no one, he’s completely open, got a clear shot all the way to the finish line, and boy is he making the most of it, look at him go! What’s going on, why are these guys still here, standing around, they’re not chasing him, not fighting each other, everybody’s gathered around me, hanging out, starin’ straight up, mouths hanging open…

They’re looking the wrong way! What’s going on here, they’re facing away from the finish line and gazing up, not looking at Daniel, hoofing it like hell in the opposite direction, with the crowd eating it up all the way. Oh well, whatever, don’t know what their problem is, and frankly don’t care. I’m so pissed at this revolting turn of events I can hardly see and yet, I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from that distant, swiftly receding figure. I can’t believe what’s happening here, can’t believe he’s actually gonna do it, the little bastard got away, got the best of me, he’s gonna win. Look at him, the boy is just beating it for broke, he’s streaking down that field like…like…

Oh, wait a minute, something’s off, doesn’t look quite right. He’s a ways away, to be sure, can barely make him out, squinting across the distance between us all I can see is a blur, an all-white blur bounding on his merry way to victory. The white field doesn’t help, no contrast, white on white the only difference between it and him, he’s the part that’s moving.

Um…that’s…there’s something wrong with that, isn’t there? The all white thing, I mean. Geez, no wonder I can’t see straight, with this sweat in my eyes, wipe ‘em clear with the rag I’m holding. 

Okay, that’s better, I can see now.

Wait a minute, what did I just do, where the hell did I get a face wipe? What is this thing I’m holding? Definitely a piece of cloth. A piece of blue cloth looking suspiciously like…

Oh Lord, everything is suddenly, horrifyingly clear. How I held onto Daniel all the way through the last slamerama, and yet, didn’t. Yeah, I had a grip on something, okay, didn’t let go, all right, but what I had a hold of, it did, it gave, oh God, did it, and Daniel, so focused on slipping my grip and winning, no matter what it took, he kept on going – is still going, even though he left something really important behind. Maybe he doesn’t realize he’s…but that’s crazy, how could he not…know, but if he does, he can’t be that determined to best me he doesn’t care, not Daniel, if he knew he was…he’d be running for cover, not the finish line. And the way he’s running now, like everything scrap of energy and awareness he possesses – only one thing on his mind and it isn’t what he is, or isn’t… 

God, he doesn’t know, I know he doesn’t know he’s run almost half the length of the Zot field, with probably a whole planet of people watching…

Watching…all of him. 

Every overblown, super-sized, over-exposed inch of him.

Every step of the way.

Oh. My. God.


	3. Going Down

I turn, and look up, understanding at last why everybody on the field, nay, everyone in this whole stinking _arena_ is staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed at that huge, honkin’ screen, and what’s all over it, in full colour… 

Daniel. 

There he is, up there, coasting across the finish line, it hasn’t even clicked in yet he’s made it, even though he’s well across he keeps on chugging, doesn’t throttle back one iota until the light show blowing its wad to celebrate his accomplishment clues him in he’s done it, and of course, the hysterical cheers from the crowd… 

There he goes, he’s figured it out, he’s the winner, he’s da man!Slowing down now, he’s stopped running, but oh my, the show, it would seem, is far from over. 

Oh yeah, he’s definitely the man of the hour and he’s so proud of himself, doing an energetic happy dance on the spot there, yeah, you did it, you beat me, Daniel, fair and square, enjoy it while you can, myself, at this moment I really don’t minding losing, in this particular context, the consolation prize is…well, this is one of those times when you win, even if you lose.Not complaining at all. Nope, not me. This…is quite a show. 

Unbelievable… 

Daniel, well, he’s incredibly…he’s having a really good time, hooping and hollering and skipping about in excited circles, executing a spectacularly energetic victory fandango at the moment, evidently he’s quite thrilled with…winning, and we’re all getting hard, _really_ hard up close and personal visual confirmation of how…thrilled…he is.Really hard.Oh my God, just look at him, my heart’s about to stop, he’s whooping it up, bouncing and bounding around like an insane maniac, he’s really, really excited, and I’d like to be as happy for him and with him, only problem is the poor schmuck is so jazzed, he doesn’t realize…oh God, it hasn’t hit him yet he’s completely, absolutely, utterly _naked_ and every bounce, flounce, twist, wiggle, jiggle, _totally_ on display all over those damned mega screens. 

Yeah, there’s Daniel all over, nude as the David de Milo. Not a stitch on him.Nope, not a one. 

Well, he can’t have, can he, on account of I’ve currently got custody of his skirt. 

Oh my God. 

I wish the totally buck-naked thing, bad as it is, was the worst of it, but alas, we’re not getting off that easy and neither is Daniel.I said he was jazzed, right, which he certainly, evidently is, and if the vigorous victory jig he’s currently executing wasn’t enough of a visual clue, there’s more. The extremely graphic and priaptic proof is not simply in the bouncing.Oh, no, if only.Lord help me, I hope the kiddies’ eyes are covered, because the crowd is getting a lot more than they probably expected, certainly way more than their money’s worth today, and believe me, they are being appropriately vocally grateful.Oh God, not that a naked and bouncing Daniel isn’t a delightfully delectable spectacle in himself, but the icing on the cupcake is the _enormous_ boner he’s saluting the stands with. Oh my God, that puppy is...well, there are no words. 

I’ve no doubt it’s a thing of beauty, more than impressive when it’s simply to scale, but blown up, in excruciating close-up, several hundred feet high – or should that be…long… 

Well, what can you say about a hard-on the size of the Cleopatra’s Needle except… 

Yep, that is definitely one major erection.Wow…you could poke George Washington’s eye out with that thing and still have enough left over for Lincoln . 

Holy _shit_ I’ve still got what’s left of his dignity in my hot little hands and I’d better make tracks and get it to him– like now, if I run really, _really_ fast I might make it before he comes down and – and clues in… crap, if he actually _sees_ himself, like that, and realizes everyone _else_ has…too… 

Kill me, kill me, he’s gonna kill me. 

I thought I was running flat out before, hell, now I’m moving so fast I’m breaking the sound barrier here.Gotta make it, gotta make it, gotta… 

The crowd has gone quiet, there’s this solemn, reverent _hush_ reigning over the arena, and I’m suspecting the whole salacious lot of 'em are getting happily mesmerized watching Daniel’s HD naughty bits bob and wave at them. Pervs! But hey, on second thought, can’t say I blame them, it definitely qualifies as a religious experience in my book! 

Okay, okay, run, O’Neill, you can make it, you can do it, aw crap. 

Too late. 

As I come galloping up on him it’s painfully obvious Daniel is no longer bouncing.Nope, he’s not moving at all, not making any effort to cover himself either, he’s standing ramrod stiff like he’s petrified in place, staring straight up, mouth gaping open, arms hanging slackly at his sides, eyes wide with dumb horror.I didn’t think this was even possible but I swear, he’s got a total, full body blush going; he’s red from the roots of his hair to… 

And oh yeah, he’s also visibly…wilting. 

Rapidly. 

But let’s not go there, don’t look, don’t look, eyes up, front, anywhere but… 

“I got here as fast as I could!” I gasp, skidding to his side.He doesn’t look my way, gives no sign he’s even aware of my presence while I stand dripping and wheezing beside him, bent over, trying to suck some air into my burning chest.I may have broken something trying to get here so quick. 

“Daniel,” I cough, hacking up a lung and straightening so I won’t keel over.“You okay?”Me, I’m fine. Seeing a few spots here, but I think I’ll live. 

Yikes, I think the poor guy is in shock.God, I hope his brain hasn’t shut down from embarrassment.Can you be in a coma with your eyes wide open?Maybe I’d better poke him or something, just to see if he’s still in there. 

He still doesn’t move, and just as I’m starting to become seriously concerned, his vacant, shocked eyes finally swing my way. 

“I’m…I’m…” 

His mouth is moving, but the sounds are barely coming out. 

“I know, I know,” I soothe, and thrust his skirt at him.“I’m sorry.I brought you this.” 

Daniel glances down at the pathetic rag in my hand but doesn’t take it.Come on, Daniel, work with me here.I know you’re slightly stunned, and all, but the damage is…um…done, let’s just suit up and move on. 

Okay? 

“It’s a bit sweaty.Sorry about that too.” 

“Jack,” he says again, louder this time, a glare gathering in his gaze, crowding out the shockiness with something a lot more… 

Pissed. 

“Jack, I’m naked.” 

Oh yeah, a whole lot of pissed.Daniel is definitely re-entering the building and when he gets to the top floor my life is over. 

“I know.” 

I’ll make it up to you somehow, I swear.Don’t exactly know how yet, but… 

“I’m naked, and it’s your fault.” 

Oh boy, this is going south fast.Really, really fast.I can’t blame him for being mad at me, but it’s not like I did it on purpose.He’s just…well, he’s not quite… right now, on account of…crap, Daniel, snap out of it, you’ve still got nothing on. 

“I know that too.I said I’m sorry.Are you gonna…” 

I waggle the rag at him and he abruptly snatches it out of my hand. 

“Well, you could say thank you,” I shrug. 

Well, he could. 

“Don’t _start_ with me, he snarls, unfurling the skirt and swiftly wrapping it about his waist.The moment he’s fully covered a mass moan of disappointment issues from the bleachers.Daniel’s head snaps up, reacting to the sound. 

“Don’t you start with me either!” he harangues the groaning masses, whirling about in an incensed circle finishing with him glaring full at me. 

“You still here?” he snaps at me.“I’ve certainly given _them_ more than their money’s worth, what can I do for _you_?” 

How’s that for gratitude.I’m willing to make allowances for the embarrassment factor, but geez, he’s really working this.I know I screwed up but I’m doing the best I can to make up to him.Least he could do is meet me half-way. 

“Come on, Daniel, it’s not so bad,” I cajole. 

“How – how can you _say_ that?” he throws his hands up in the air, a definite hysterical edge to his tone. 

“I know the way it looks, but –“ 

I don’t get a chance to finish. 

“You don’t get it, do you?” he snarls, stabbing me in the chest with his right index finger.“Because of _you_ I was – I was – in front of all those people!They saw _everything!_ ” 

“Yeah, I know,” I reply calmly.I gotta talk him down here, and fast, now he’s over the initial shock there’s a very real possibility he’s contemplating Jack-icide.

With extreme prejudice.

“Come on, Daniel, so a few million people saw you in your birthday suit,” I pat him on the shoulder.“It’s not like you _know_ any of them, or even have to _see_ them again, once we get back to the SGC.” 

“I know at least three of them,” he says in a low, ominous voice. 

I really should leave logic to the experts. 

“Daniel, what do you want me to say?” I entreat; putting everything I have into my best sincere face.“Sorry?I am, I really am, but it’s done, and I can’t change that.I know it’s embarrassing, but being the SGC’s first interplanetary streaker, it’s not like it’s going to kill you, or anything.Besides, it’s not all bad, look on the bright side.” 

Daniel gapes at me like I’m insane. 

“Bright side?” he sputters.“What are you talking about what- what – bright side?Are you _insane_?” 

“Sure there is, you won, didn't you?You beat me, fair and…um… you beat me.Isn’t that what you wanted?” 

Daniel’s eyes narrow, and the venomous glare he broadsides me with would take out a peltac in orbit.It hits hard, I actually stagger beneath the weight of the cold, dark hatred in his eyes. 

“I am _never_ speaking to you again,” he hisses, his face almost purple with rage.“Never!” 

I’m too shocked to say anything and then, I lose my chance.He gives me one more disgusted once-over then whirls, stalking away from me down the field, stiff-backed, head held high.He doesn’t spare me the slightest backward glare, just keeps on stomping, making a bee-line for the gaggle of post-game well-wishers trotting up the field toward him, his cheering blue boys in the lead. When Daniel reaches them, his guys hoist him up on their shoulders and yelling and laughing, bear their victorious, albeit no longer naked, hero away. 

I stand there and watch them go, Daniel’s words and the way he said them rolling around in my head.Now, believe me, I’ve pissed Daniel off plenty, many times in the past, one of the things in life I’m truly good at, and this isn’t the first time he’s ever said this, or something very similar, to me.Hell, if I had a nickel for every time Daniel has told me to fuck off and die, to get lost, he never wanted to see me again or any and all combinations of the above, I’d have a lot of freaking nickels, and Daniel still talking to me once he’d calmed down and apologized for going off the deep end on me. 

This time, though…this time is different. 

This time I think he really means it. 

* * *

“Welcome back, SG-1!”General Hammond’s cheery tones greet us upon stepping through the event horizon.His huge grin falters when Daniel keeps on going, stomping moodily down the ramp and right on past him without giving him so much as a glare.

Lucky bastard.

“You have good news for me, Colonel, I hope,” Hammond says to me, after a quick, puzzled glance at Daniel, still stomping, making straight for the open blast doors, clearly intending to clear the gateroom ASAP.

“Yes, Sir, absolutely, Sir, the treaty is signed, sealed and delivered,” I promptly respond.“Thanks to Daniel.”

Daniel stiffens and stops.Dead.He stands rooted, one step from the corridor, back straighter than a pool cue and I can see the hair on the back of his neck bristling from here but he doesn’t turn around. 

Just because he’s not looking at any of us – okay, me, specifically, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.Believe me, those angry ears are soaking in every word about to be spoken and I’m pretty sure my future, nay, my very _life_ hinges on what gets said within the next few seconds. 

Okay, guys, just this once, leave it alone. Please? Hammond will get the full, awful truth, all in good time, but we don’t need to go into too much detail at this particular juncture, _especially_ not now, not while Daniel is still…so…unimpressed with just about everything and everybody but most especially me.Cut me some slack, here, kids, let’s keep our mouths shut and let him go, give him some time to cool down, and me an opportunity to do some damage control once he has.If he ever does.Ye Gods, seriously hoping he does, but the way it’s looking at the moment I dunno.I honest to god don’t know, and I don’t mind telling you, it’s scaring the crap out of me.

And so is he. 

There’s a very real possibility he probably won’t settle for any conciliatory measures from me not involving me shooting myself, preferably in his presence with a gun he’s personally loaded and put in my hands for that express purpose, but a girl can try. 

Oh oh.If I thought I had problems before… 

This smug, sly look slides across Carter’s face, and the big blue eyes shooting my way are way too bright and loaded with mischief. 

Hell. My. Life. She’s. About. To. Make. 

“Oh, yes, Sir, the Quaar were _quite_ impressed with Daniel,” SG-1’s very own blonde Judas cheerily volunteers, throwing me an evil grin before flashing Hammond a megawatt, ingenuous smile. 

Ack!Sold down the river for a cheap laugh!Oh well, at least I can count on the big guy not to - 

“Indeed,” Jaffa Iscariot chimes in, effectively handing me the paddle I’m going to need for my impending trip further up shit creek.“As we were preparing to depart their governing council were discussing an appropriate way to suitably honour him for his outstanding actions.I believe they wish to declare him a national hero.” 

Thanks, guys; I will remember this. 

“Oh yeah,” Carter nods, her face a study in fake seriousness.“Daniel definitely left his mark on the collective psyches of the Quaar.His performance was…well, unique in the annals of sports history.They can’t stop talking about it, and him.I certainly saw a lot more of him than I was expecting.It was extremely…inspirational.A very impressive showing, wouldn’t you agree, Colonel?” She finishes, barely managing to suppress a giggle. 

Daniel whips about, affixing me with a murderous stare. 

What?Why are you blaming me, I didn’t start this.Not sayin’ a word, here. Nope, not me!Lip...zipped. 

“That is true,” Teal’c gravely nods. “DanielJackson’s image has been prominently featured in the news media and disseminated planet-wide.Among the Quaar he is rapidly becoming… a…” 

Teal’c pauses, as if he’s searching an elusive word or phrase he can’t quite get a hold of. 

“House-hold word?”Carter immediately supplies, and I don’t need the ear-to-ear grin to get she’s enjoying this way too much. 

Apparently she’s not the only one. 

“Indeed,” Teal’c nods again.“Thank you, Major Carter.” 

“Yes, Sir, Daniel is quite the celebrity on P4B 814,” Carter gleefully continues, while Daniel’s furious eyes drill through me.“He’s already been inducted into the Zot Hall of Fame. The Quaar can’t get enough of him.He’s so popular there, we weren’t exactly sure the Quaar were going to let him come back with us.Kinda touch and go, for a bit, what with the Dodg wanting to take him on a planet-wide tour, all the parties and receptions they wanted to throw for him, the requests for him to do talk show appearances, the product endorsement offers, a three picture movie deal, not to mention the five year contract – “ 

“The amount of local currency the Dodg proposed to secure DanielJackson’s agreement to continue to display his unique talents on the playing field was considerable,” Teal’c informs Hammond solemnly, with an elegant brow lift. 

“Oh yeah,” Sam vigorously nods.“It was a _lot_ of money.Personally I don’t know how Daniel turned it down.“Let me see,” she muses, ticking off each item on her fingers.“The tour, the talk shows, movies, the endorsements, the contract, and…what else?”She pauses, throwing a thoughtful look up at Teal’c. 

“You have not mentioned the numerous individuals seeking to approach DanielJackson with matrimonial offers.” 

“Holy Hannah!”Carter slaps her forehead. “How could I have forgotten _that_ , we were beating off potential suitors with sticks.” 

“No one was harmed, Major Carter, although we had to be vigilant and strict in refusing the applicants access to DanielJackson, for his own protection, there were no actual sticks involved in the process,” Teal’c sternly admonishes. 

“It’s just an expression, Teal’c,” she soothes.“Nevertheless, as Teal’c was saying we had our hands pretty full screening Daniel from, oh, numerous amorous overtures, and as for the actual proposals, over a dozen, wasn’t it, Teal’c?” 

“Fifteen,” the big guy deadpans. 

“Sorry, it was hard to keep track. Some of them were even from women.” 

“Indeed,” Teal’c announces.Carter grabs his arm and viciously bites her lip.“As I recall, the Dodg’s daughter was particularly insistent, as was his son.” 

“Yeah, at one point I thought they were gonna kill each other,” Carter grimaces.“It got pretty ugly.They liked him, they really, really liked him,” she shrugs at Hammond . 

Funny act, guys, a real barrel of laughs.You should take it on the road; you’d be a hit.For sure you’ve got Daniel rolling in the aisles.Yeah, he’s downright hysterical with glee.The whole time Hope and Crosby here have been getting their jollies at _both_ our expenses he’s been roasting me raw with the double-dog damned eyes of doom, flushing and steaming, and by now he’s so worked up his face is about the colour of a stop sign. 

Cut it out, will ya, why don’t you do the bug-eyes thing at _them_ they’re the one’s who’ve been – I haven’t said _anything_ , done… oh, I get it, that’s it, that’s why his toque is in such a twist, even though they’re the ones doing all the ribbing it’s still my fault because… 

Okay, Daniel, now that’s really not fair, why do you think, now of all times they’d listen to me any more than _you_ do? 

“It is not inaccurate to state, due to his actions on behalf of the SGC during the successful conclusion of the negotiations, Daniel Jackson is much revered by the Quaar. Would you not agree, O’Neill?” 

Oh no, you’re not dragging _me_ into this. 

“Oh yes!” Carter quickly cuts in.“Let’s not forget the colonel was a big help.In fact, he’s pretty much the main reason for Daniel’s exposure.” 

Hammond has been glancing uncertainly between the three of us, picking up on the not-so-subtle ambient tension in the room and rightly surmising, no doubt from what I’m not saying as much as what’s already come out of the mouths of the other two there’s a lot more going on here than has met the ear.The distressed grunt Daniel makes on the heels of Carter’s last comment confirms his growing suspicions. 

“I’ll be looking forward to your report,” Hammond cautiously ventures after a careful once-over of all of us. 

“We have pictures!”Carter helpfully volunteers. 

Daniel squawks again. 

“Debriefing in…” Hammond pauses, and glances thoughtfully back at Daniel.“Three hours,” he finishes softly.“Take some time, Doctor Jackson,” he says kindly.“I’m sure whatever you have to tell me can keep until you’ve had a chance to…well, I don’t know, but whatever you need to do, take some time and do it first, son.” 

Thank you, George; you’re a damned fine man.You might not know what the story is, but you can see it’s going to be awhile before Daniel can face telling it. 

Daniel drops his head.“Thank you, Sir,” he mumbles.“ I – I appreciate…I’ll – I’ll be fine.” 

Daniel flings one final killer glare at me over the top of his glasses, then spins on his heels and stalks away. Hammond watches him go, then gives all of us the once-over again, his brow knitting with concern and… 

Oh boy, I’m in for it now. 

“Colonel,” he says sternly.“My office.” 

“Yes Sir,” I sigh, and slump down the ramp after him. 

Peachy.Just when you think things can’t possibly get any worse, they do. 

Of course they do. 

Oh well, look on the bright side, if Hammond kills me now I won’t have to worry about how I’m going to make this up to Daniel later. 

* * *

Forty five minutes with Hammond , another 30 getting green-lit by Janet, fifteen minutes of procrastinating and playing with my yo-yo, yup, should do it.Should be long enough.Daniel’s had enough time to go from full boil to simmer.I’ll take a chance and take him on; besides, I come armed with glad tidings guaranteed to earn me a foot in the door and an audience with His Royal Pissiness. 

It’ll be good.It’ll be fine.As long as I’ve known him I’ve never known Daniel to hold a grudge into infinity.At least, not against anyone who’s not got a snake in ‘em; and I definitely don’t got one of those. 

“Hey Daniel, you decent?” I holler through his open office door and am immediately impeded from further proceeding by an unexpected obstacle looming in the doorway looking suspiciously like my Jaffa brother and my 2IC.Neither of whom look incredibly happy to see me. 

Whoa, whazup wid diz? 

I stop.We stare at each other.Clearly, I wish to enter.Clearly, they don’t seem to be clearing out of my way so I can.

“Carter?Teal’c?”I calmly address the stone-faced guardians of Daniel’s door.  “Would you mind…” I make a shooing motion, gesturing to indicate they should maybe, like, get the _hell_ out of my way!

“Let me through, I wanna talk to Daniel!” 

“Um, about that, Sir,” Carter begins, crossing her arms across her chest and glaring at me. 

“I do not believe that would be wise, O’Neill,” Teal’c rumbles ominously.“DanielJackson does not wish to speak to you.” 

Is he kidding ? He's kidding.  He has to be. Okay, I know Daniel was pretty pissed with me, but this is bordering on adolescent, even for him! Come on, big guy, we’re not in high school here, and we're all a little old to be playing keep away, so back off, let me through, I’ll give Daniel the good news and a snappy apology, he’ll forgive me and that’ll be that. 

Problem solved.  And nothing further to see here so get out the way, already! 

“Is that Jack?” Daniel hollers from somewhere inside his office.“Tell him to go away!” 

“As I said, O’Neill,” Teal’c observes with a smug smile.“DanielJackson does not wish to speak to you. I believe it would be unwise to allow you entrance to his office at this time.” 

“But I got news!” I whine.

Crap, did I – did I just _whine?_

“Daniel already knows he doesn’t have to go to the briefing,” Carter sternly informs me, giving the glare more gas.“General Hammond called him and told him he was excused.” 

Well, crap, Hammond beat me to the punch.There goes my ace in the door.Not that I’d be getting a chance to use it, any time soon, even if he hadn’t, judging by the faces on the unwelcome wagon, here. 

“He was just putting the finishing touches on his mission report,” Carter helpfully supplies. 

Ewww.Daniel’s mission report.That’ll be a fun read.Ack. 

“After he has done so, he will be returning to his domicile,” her accomplice adds. 

Home?Daniel is going home?Wait, that’s not good, if he leaves now that means…I have to talk to him, but I can’t, if he’s not here because I can’t leave yet, he may be excused from the debriefing but I’m not and I still have my report, dammit, it’s going to be hours before I get a chance to – 

“Lemme through, I wanna talk to Daniel!” 

I push forward, trying to shoulder past them.Teal’c instantly responds, placing a large, hard hand on my chest which he then uses to gently but emphatically push me backward.He’s holdin’ back, administering the Jaffa equivalent of a love tap, still, I’m sent staggering several steps in reverse all the same. 

“We must insist you do not bother DanielJackson at this time.”

Yeah, I kinda got that from the shove.  Thanks for not caving my chest in, by the way.  Appreciate it.

“I know, I know, he doesn’t want to speak to me,” I snap.“I'm officially in the dog house, I get it. Can't help noticing though, he doesn’t seem to have any problem talking to you!” 

Teal’c smug smile grows even…smugger.Carter gives him a sly glance before buttonholing me with the blue eyes of doom once more. 

“We have apologized to DanielJackson for our previous ill-advised attempt at levity at his expense,” Teal’c explains.“An apology he has fully accepted.” 

Sure, gowan, rub it in.Traitor. Daniel will forgive you, no problem, but apparently I’m gonna have to do a hell of a lot more grovelling than I was originally figuring to get back in his good books.  That is presuming you'll let me near him any time soon in order to do it! 

“Oh yeah, and the fact we were able to prove, to his satisfaction, there was no photographic evidence of his…exposure, even though I said there was, that definitely helped,” Carter can't resist getting her own three cents in. 

Carter’s gloating big time and having way too much fun in the bargain.That no pictures thing?Yeah, right, don’t you believe it! Daniel might have bought it, but me, I’m not so easily snowed.I know she’s got a secret stash somewhere, and we’ll be getting to that, and her later but for now – 

“Is _he_ still here?” Daniel hollers again, his voice so cold he has to have icicle breath. Not that I’m gonna get close enough to him to be able to tell. 

“Make him go away!” 

“I think it would be wise if you left this place, O’Neill,” Teal’c booms. 

Carter and Teal’c are instantly in motion, each one grabs an arm and I’m wheeled about and motored halfway down the corridor before I get I’m being Jaffa powered to the elevator. 

“What – wait – wait a minute, I just want to talk to him – “ I weakly protest.“We’re going in the wrong direction, by the way.” 

“I’m sorry about this, Colonel but Daniel is really, really angry with you right now, and honestly I can’t say I blame him,” Carter scolds while she and Teal’c squire me further down the hall and away from Daniel. 

“Carter, you know me you can’t believe – and Daniel surely can’t be thinking I did…what I did on purpose.It was an accident.A slip of the – it was an accident!” I bluster.“I didn’t mean it!” 

“Perhaps not,” Teal’c smoothly interjects.“However, I do believe you were most sincere in your desire to triumph over DanielJackson no matter the cost.He is acutely aware of the strategy you employed to undermine his efforts prior to the commencement of the contest.” 

Uh oh.Daniel has calmed down enough to figure it out.I’m more than hooped, I’m doomed. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie. 

“Winding Daniel up in the locker room!” Carter scoffs.“Sir, you should be ashamed of yourself!” 

Oh, now that's rich coming from the Queen of the Gateroom centre shot, you wanna talk pots and kettles here, explain to me how a little bit of pre-game ribbing is worse than what they did to him in front of Hammond, sorry, don’t quite get the distinction, but obviously I’m not the one who says who is and isn’t persona non grated here.Daniel is the one with the deciding vote, and it seems like I’m being voted off the island. 

“I am, I am, trust me, I am!”I throw them both a ‘you know you love me’ look guaranteed to thaw even the hardest Jaffa heart.For sure it will make Carter cave.Never failed me before. 

I know it’s fighting dirty, but they started it. 

“Perhaps you believe this is true, but we are not convinced,” Teal’c informs me, while Carter summons the elevator with a decisive swipe. “We suggest much more reflection is required on your part before we can be assured you are truly contrite enough to speak to DanielJackson.“ 

What, you’re Jimminy Cricket now? You get to make the ruling on the quality of my repentance?What do I have to do to make your cut, wear a hair shirt, give myself a few lashes, manage a tear or two, is there gonna be a quiz? 

“What do I have to do to make you believe me, take out a full page ad?”I gape at them.“How does skywriting grab ya?” 

“We are not the ones you have to convince of your sincerity, O’Neill,” Teal’c says sadly. 

Funny, that’s not what I’m hearing. 

“We don’t think you really understand how much you…what you said to him, how you…” Carter starts, and then sighs unhappily.“He’s really upset, Sir.Really upset.If you go in there now, try and make light of this, brush it off, like you always do, like we’ve _let_ you, on more than one occasion…” 

Hmmm, still a little sore about that whole undercover Tollan weapons sting operation thing, are we, Carter?And here’s me thinking all these years those wounds were completely healed. 

Wow, what other grudges have my team mates been secretly nursing against me and do I really want to know? 

“Do you not think you have burned enough bridges with DanielJackson, O’Neill?” 

“That’s buried, T.” 

“I do not understand, O’Neill.” 

“The expression, it’s buried your bridges, not burned.” 

“I do not believe so.” 

“Yeah, trust me, it’s buried.” 

“You are mistaken, O’Neill.” 

“No I’m not.” 

“Yes, you are.” 

“Are you sure?”

"I am certain."

“Sorry, Sir, but Teal’c is right, you’re wrong.It’s burned your bridges, not buried.” 

“Not buried?” 

“No.” 

“No.” 

“Damn, I could have sworn it was – hey, wait a minute, where the hell are we going anyway, the briefing isn’t for another hour and –OW!Carter!Watch the nails!“ 

* * *

Daniel’s door.Went through the briefing, managed to ditch my escort and finally made it.I’m here, about to plead my case with ‘never-gonna-speak-to-you-again’ boy.In the interim I’ve had some time, done some thinking, Teal’c and Carter, they may have had a point, what I did, what I said to him, maybe I let my ego run away with me, just a little bit.It seemed so important at the time to come out on top, to show him, them I wasn’t… 

Yanno, it would be mighty ironic if everything I did to him in an effort to prove I wasn’t over the hill resulted in everything being over period between Daniel and me. 

No, it’s not going to come to that, it’s…it’s… 

Nope, not gonna happen.Daniel’s smart, once he’s cooled down, a lot, he’ll figure it out, he knows me, he knows how I think and he’ll realize where I was coming from.I’m sure some common sense has penetrated that thick head of his and his brain is actually working again so all I have to do is talk to him and it’ll be fine. 

He’ll cut me some slack.We can’t talk about what went on back there, before…unless he talks to me, and…he will.Eventually. 

Now, the tricky part – getting a foot in the door.That’s what these are for; my back up plan.My never-fail door opener.These little babies have never let me down. 

Ever the optimist, I rap on Daniel’s door and wait.Almost immediately, the door creaks open a crack. 

“Oh, it’s you,” Daniel snarls, then slams it in my face. 

Oookay, not so good.That common sense thing I was talking about?Not seein’ it yet. Might have under-estimated the amount of time it took for Daniel’s brain to reboot. 

Oh well, I’m here, might as well go all the way.I can’t possibly get in any more shit than I’m already in. 

Can I? 

“Daniel?”I address the door.“Oh Daniel, let me in!” 

“Go away! I’m not speaking to you, remember!” he stiffly informs me from the other side. 

“I brung you something,” I patiently reply. 

“Jack if you think you can buy your way out of this with a stupid…what is it?” the muffled voice suspiciously demands, after a brief pause. 

“Open the door and find out.” 

“Not a chance, slide it under and get lost.” 

And he said he wasn’t talking to me!Three whole sentences from Doctor Incommunicado.Definitely making progress here. Sure, we’re not actually _through_ the door, yet, but that is a mere technicality soon to be rectified.Give me room and watch me work. 

“Can’t.They won’t fit.” 

Well, they won’t. 

Silence.He’s still there, on the other side, I can hear him breathing.He’s thinking it over. 

“Daniel,” I start again, really giving it the gas.“Come on, Daniel, let’s talk about this, you know I never meant…” 

The door opens a crack, a hand shoots through, palm turned up expectantly. 

“Give it to me,” the door demands.“Then go.” 

Okay, there’s my opening, better make the most of it. 

“Here you go,” I say, and put the bouquet in his hand. 

The hand withdraws; the door stays open.I stand my ground and wait.I could push on through, another time, another set of circumstances I probably would, but this situation…tricky.Best to not push my luck.Things could still go either way.Patience, patience, must be patient, wait for it… 

“ _Roses_?”Daniel squeaks, peering around the door at me, deeply confused.“You brought me roses?Jack, why in the world would you bring me roses?”He stares down at the huge bouquet of a dozen long-stemmed red roses, a dozen extremely _expensive_ long-stemmed red roses, I might add, he’s clutching gingerly like they might evaporate in his face. 

An interesting question, a fair one, and one, I must admit I don’t have a ready answer for.I just…that is… 

It seemed like the thing to do. 

“Always worked on Sara,” I blurt out, and then promptly want to swallow my tongue. 

Daniel peers at me through narrowed eyes, a series of unreadable expressions using his face to have it out.Something pretty heavy duty is racing through his brain a thousand miles a second, but I can’t get anything about what’s going on inside from what I’m seeing outside. 

“Jack, that is so…weird,” Daniel murmurs, shaking his head and ambling back into his apartment.I cannot help but notice he has done so without closing the door on me. 

Looks like I’m in. 

“Not so much,” I protest, shutting the door behind me and following him into the kitchen.“I mean, you and me,” I wave a hand between us.“There’s enough of a…that is, within this context, as gestures go, oddly enough, I don’t think it’s inappropriate.” 

Honestly, I don’t.Which should be, as Daniel has just said, weird, but, yanno, it’s not. 

Daniel doesn’t look at me while he gets a vase from the cupboard and takes it to the sink. 

“Jack, Sara was your wife,” Daniel quietly observes, starting to fill the vase with water. 

“Yeah?”I blink innocently at his back.“And, so, therefore?” 

I know where he’s going with this.As well as suddenly realizing where I’m coming from. 

“Your _wife_ , Jack,” he calmly continues, his movements slow, precise, deliberate while turning from the sink and putting the vase on the counter. He starts unwrapping the roses, freeing them from the green paper and other floral trapping with exquisite care and then equally carefully selects one and places it in the vase. 

“You used to bring your _wife_ roses as…a peace offering, I’m guessing.”It’s not really a question, he’s thinking out loud, not expecting an answer, but I’ll give it to him anyway. 

“Yeah, I did.When I really screwed up, big time,” I tell him, honestly.“I feel it plenty, but I’m not very good at saying it.Sorry, I mean.She knew…whenever I brought her roses...I meant…well, they said it way better.” 

“The florist must have loved to see you coming.”He puts another long-stemmed beauty in the vase; fighting a losing battle to suppress the slight smile I see wrestling with his lips. 

“Practically put two of his kids through college,” I shrug and give him a lame grin. 

Sure, I screw up a lot; I’m not ashamed to admit it. Did it then; still doing it, obviously.Sara, she understood, sort of, she got me, up to a point, for a while, but we both know how that turned out.All the roses in the world couldn’t fix what losing Charlie broke between us. 

Maybe this was a stupid idea after all. The whole notion was crazy; I’m crazy, for doing this, for thinking… 

I don’t even know what the hell I’m thinking any more. 

“Well, I just…” I take an awkward step backward.“You’re right, it was a stupid thing to do, but I meant – “ 

I feel like an idiot and grin weakly at his still, serious face, his assessing eyes levelled full at me for the first time since I crossed his threshold.“You know me, never engage brain before starting engine.I – well, never mind, forget about it.Forget about the whole thing.Keep the roses, enjoy, I’ll just go.” 

I’ve whirled and taken a couple of steps in preparation for switching into full-flight mode as soon as I’m clear of his line of sight.I’ve gotta get out of here before I do something really stupid.More stupid.Anything else, period. 

“Jack,” Daniel’s soft, entreating voice freezes me in mid-rout. 

“Wait.” 

I hear him moving, coming toward me.He stops, just behind me and I can feel him standing, close enough to touch and yet…not. 

“I’m not your wife,” he murmurs, so close to my left ear he’s practically blowing in it. 

I wish he’d stop saying that.It’s obvious he’s not, and that’s not what I meant, when I…not the way I think of him, not _wife_ , he couldn’t be, in the sense of Mr and Mrs Jack O’Neill, not _wife_ but… 

“And yet you thought, you wanted to make up with me and you thought, doing it like this, the way you made up with Sara, you thought...” 

I don’t know what I was thinking.Now I think _he_ thinks I’m a nut case. He’s probably right.I should get the hell out of here before both our opinions of my relative sanity or lack thereof are confirmed. 

I’m poised to evacuate but Daniel beats me to the rush, putting a gentle hand on my shoulder holding me harder and faster to the spot than being stuck there with a vat of superglue. 

“Jack, what are you trying to tell me?” he asks gently, applying a little pressure to my shoulder, nudging me to about face and face him. “What are you really saying sorry for?” 

I should get the heck out of here, possibly my last chance for saving face, but I go with the nudge and turn, my head hanging.We’re standing eye to eye, but I still can’t…meet his.I’m not exactly sure what’s happening here, not sure what’s going through his head, what he’s trying to find out, why he’s called me back. 

All I know for sure is I know absolutely nothing except, what happened out there, that brief, strange, wonderful moment with him under me, and how incredible it felt, every thrust, every touch, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, or him, especially that split second when everything about him and me, and me and him, finally made sense. 

While we were engaging in the almost X-rated horizontal mambo in the Quaar astrodome I got it, I really did, the whole buck and wing lah-di-dah Daniel and I have been doing around each other for years, I clued in what it means, what _he_ means to me.I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been.All these years I might as well have been walking around with a bag on my head, to not have seen… 

Well, that was then, now, I haven’t got a thing to hide behind; I’m as exposed as Daniel was during the ritual humiliation he was recently subjected to in the name of interplanetary diplomacy and good will.I’m being stripped as surely and completely, laid as bare, soul or skin, not much difference from where I’m standing it hurts, God it hurts and I can’t stop it from happening any more than he could. 

I might know, for the first time in my life, maybe, what I want, I mean, _really_ , really want, but that doesn’t mean… 

It doesn’t mean squat.Not unless he…he wants me back. 

“What are you saying, Jack?”Daniel prompts again, running his hand up my shoulder ‘til it’s curled around the back of my neck.“Sorry?Sorry for what?” 

I can’t…I can’t… I want – want to tell him, I – I do, but…but...mouth opening, nothing coming out. 

Crap. 

“Sorry for turning your back on me because you couldn’t afford to look too closely?Sorry for all the times you shut me up and down because you were afraid to listen?Sorry for all years you’ve wasted lying to yourself, and me?” 

I give a little nod to tell him he’s on the right track, but the talking thing?Still can’t do it.He rubs the back of my neck in acknowledgement, and his hand, resting there, feels so good and comforting. 

“Took you long enough,” Daniel whispers, cupping my cheek in the palm of his other hand, using it to gently raise my head until our eyes meet.His are glowing, like he has this quiet, constant fire burning inside him.Been there, it’s always been there, I could have seen it, before now, if I’d looked closely and deeply enough and now, there’s no missing it, even someone as dense as me could make it out from clear across the room, the way he’s lifted the shutters and let it shine… 

“I –I…”I inanely utter. 

“Oh yeah, one thing,” he says with a slight shake of his head.“You picked a hell of a place to buy a clue, O’Neill.” 

“Uh…about that…” I try again, but those eyes, those incredible…eyes… 

“And I really could have done without the whole…naked in front of the whole damned planet…thing,” he says huskily, moving closer, his body pressing into mine, mouth…hovering… 

“Although, I have to admit…it was kind of…stimulating…” 

“Ummmm,” I moan, putting my hands on his waist, rocking forward, feeling…“Stimulating…” 

Close, that warm, wet mouth, so close…killing me…Our lips are like only a molecule apart and I close my eyes, trembling, aching for him to cross that small gap. 

What’s he waiting for, dying here! 

“Oh well, I don’t suppose it matters now,” he whispers.“Sure, it was a pretty mean trick, Jack, really low, even for you, but I guess I can find it in my heart to forgive you.It was an act of desperation, not that it did you any good, I still _beat_ you… _old_ man.” 

Son of a bitch!He’s _messing_ with me! 

My eyes fly open and Daniel twists quickly out of my grasp, dancing mockingly just out of reach. 

“Who you calling old?” I snap and make a grab for him he easily evades. 

“Oooh, waaay too slow, O’Neill,” he jeers, jigging around in a little circle, his eyes animated with mischievous glee. 

I’m feeling pretty mischievous myself.“Don’t kid yourself, kiddo,” I leer, taking a step forward, which he immediately mirrors, only backwards.“You got lucky, that’s all.There’s still more than enough snap in this old snake to take you down.” 

“Promises, promises,” he taunts, grinning like a fiend. “Talk is cheap. Care to put your mouth where you money is?” 

“Sure!C’mere and I’ll be happy to put you on your ass!” 

“I don’t think so,” he shakes his head mockingly, starting to dance away from me again.He’s gonna make a break for it, at least he’s gonna try, not that it’ll do him any good; I’ll be on him before he’s cleared the kitchen.“You want this ass, you’re gonna have to _work_ for it.Catch me, if you can, and oh, for the record, about the stripping off thing, if that’s what it took to bring _you_ down, I’d have done _exactly_ the same thing to you!” 

_ That  _ does it, no more Mister Nice Guy!” 

“You want stripping, I’ll show you _stripping_!”I roar, and lunge at him, a split second after he commences a giggling gallop for the living room.We hurtle through the apartment, sliding around the corner; I’m hot on his heels all the way.He’s headed for the bedroom.He’ll never make it there alive. 

“You are _so_ going down!”I yell, grabbing a handful of shirt, but before I can properly lock on and lift him off his feet he jerks free. 

“Promise?” he throws over his shoulder before throwing himself through the open bedroom door. 

Absolutely, you have my word on it you’ll have me on you. 

He may have won the first battle but I’m coming out on top in the end. 


End file.
